We will call this person a friend

After I woke up from surgery last Tuesday morning, I called the nurse to use the restroom. (Please remember I am totally out of it at this point. I have been asleep for several hours and have been heavily drugged.) She helps me out of bed, and much to my dismay I am very excited to see her if you know what I mean. (Aka "sporting wood!") I should be embarrassed, but I am so drugged it seemed like a weird dream.

She wheels me into the bathroom and leaves me to my business, except there is no business to be had. For those unfamiliar with my present situation there are several problems: 1.) I cannot focus on the toilet. 2.) I can't get my pants off, because I have my arm in a sling. 3.) I am a little embarrassed that I am pointed in the wrong direction. 4.) I am pitching a tent.

The nurse is so sweet and totally unphased by the whole situation. She delicately helps me take off my pants so I can use the restroom. Now I am standing there for an eternity, but nothing is happening. Well something is happening, but not the right thing. I ring the nurse call button. The sweet nurse walks back into the room. "Mr. K is anything wrong."

Me: "Well, I have an (fill in the blank) and I can't seem to use it."

Nurse: "Its alright sweetie this stuff happens all the time."

Me: (Just standing there like a deer in headlights.) "I am sorry, but I have an e___tion."

Nurse: "I am going to turn on the sink, that sometimes helps."

Me: "I don't see how the sink is going to help the problem I am having over here."

The point: Don't tell this story to your sister... because she is going to tell your Mom. Who tells your whole family via email.

What is a Jimmy?

Recently I became a Jimmy for the first time. Oh I am sorry you might not know what or who a Jimmy is.

Do you remember "that guy" who graduated a couple years ahead of you in school, but still came to the high school parties?  He still managed to be involved in the school gossip.  If there was a fight, you knew he would be involved.  Finally, he made it his mission to date your friends even though he was 20 to 25 years old. It is this guy who is known as a Jimmy.  

The most famous version of this character is David Wooderson played by Matthew Mcconaughey in Dazed and Confused.  "That's what I love about these high school girls, man.  I get older and they stay the same age." 

I did not set out to be a Jimmy, but last Friday night I did not have anything better to do... so I went to the free BBQ at my seminary.  Did I mention I have already graduated from this school?  I went back for the free food and maybe to meet a nice young lady.  "That's what I love about seminary girls... I get older and they still love Jesus."

Then this morning I legitimately talked about sitting in on a new class because I had nothing better to do.  Oh my gosh the cycle has already started.  Please help me stop the madness.

What age?

At the UCLA/ Fresno State game Saturday there were two thirty year old guys who painted themselves completely red for the game.  My question: At what point do you stop painting your entire body for the game?  If you are still doing this into your thirties are you committed for a lifetime?  

Would this be a deal breaker for marriage?  Or would this same guy body paint his tuxedo?  Would he ask his future wife to wear white paint on their big day? Would he ask for body paint at his funeral? Does he paint himself for his kid's little league games? Where does the madness stop?

My closing thought: It was about 100 degrees on Saturday, so these two yahoos are sweating red paint everywhere.  Their section looked like they killed a whale with a dull butter knife.  For what?  School pride? 

The hardest break up

I remember the break up with my high school sweetheart absolutely crushed me.  Not because it caught me by complete surprise... not because she was cheating on me... it was the fact I had to end my relationship with her father.

I remember him calling me, "Andy... I am so sorry.  I tried to talk some sense into her, but she won't listen to me. But if its alright I still want to hang out."

I didn't want to break up with Tommy.  He was the best part of the relationship; he played professional baseball.  Sure he was retired, but who cares he was in the majors.  He has a freaking Topps rookie card.  He played shortstop for the Seattle Mariners.  He worked on my fielding and hitting.  We went to Braves games together.  He gave me the white 3 piece paisely suit he got married in.  

A couple years later, he called and invited me to his daughter's wedding.  Why? "Its over between us Tommy.  Its time for you to move on."

The moral of this story... Don't give back the white paisley suit.  This is one of the greatest mistakes I ever made.  

Don't do it

Here is a tip for all of you single people out there.  Erase your x girlfriend or x boyfriend's number from your phone.

Last week I was going through my phone and I came across my x girlfriend's phone number... so I decided to send her a text message... 

Me: "Sissy, are we still broken up?"

Sissy:  "Who is this?"

Me: "Its Andy.  I guess this means we're not together anymore?"

Sissy: "I heard you had a GF and you hated me."

Me: "Not true and maybe a little true."

Sissy: "That's not what I heard... I don't want to argue.  Let's get together next week."

So there you have it people... with one fail swoop... I am back together with Sissy and now we will be getting married.  All because I did not erase her phone number.  My fellow Americans be smart... Don't let this happen to you.

Ghost Runners

Remember ghost runners?  The imaginary base runners used when you are short on baseball/whiffle ball players.  The ghost runner takes your place at first base, second base, or third base when its your turn to hit.  When you reach base the ghost runner will be forced to go to the next base.  It really is a beautiful concept, but why can't we have ghost runners for work or school?  Or what about dates gone bad... why can't I just send in the ghost runner and let him work the bases while I go in and bat?  At what age do we give up on the ghost runner?  

Today I take a stand.  I am bringing the ghost runner back.  I am giving him the keys to my truck and sending him out to make a little money for me.  It is my time to dance.  

For too long I have been a slave to the ghost runner, but today it ends.

Ducks anyone?

Has anyone ever noticed that Christian mothers have tons of ducks around their houses.  They will have duck paintings, rugs, lamps, statues, plates, cups, and duck ect.  Is the white duck the new symbol for Christianity?  Who was the marketing genius who came up with this idea?

Georgia/ ASU Football

Tonight I was in Tempe, AZ attending the UGA/ ASU football game.  It was one of the strangest sports experiences of my life.

1.)  The people did not know how to tailgate.  At Georgia, people will begin tailgating days before the game to ensure a good parking spot.  At ASU, the people begin tailgating a few hours before the game.  Do these people value their jobs more than college football?  

2.)  I could not respect or understand the ASU fans' trash talk.  I felt like I was in 9th grade Spanish and couldn't understand the teacher.  They only had one good comeback, "We have lots of pretty women."  It must have taken them weeks to come up with this one.

3.)  During the game, they bought us drinks.  They told us our money was no good at their stadium.  What?!?

4.)  This was the strangest by far... after the game they congratulated us for winning and thanked us for coming.  We heard several comments like, "You were just too good for us."  We didn't care we lost, we just wanted a good game."  "Good luck to y'all the rest of the season." No ...this is unacceptable.

Here is what I can tell you.  In the South, we are still mad we lost the Civil War.  Therefore, we take any opportunity to create new enemies and call them Yankees.  We see college football as our chance to get even with the rest of the world, but tonight the tables were flipped on us.

So ASU, we let you off with a pass this time.  However, you are still Yankees in our eyes because you have no idea what it means to BBQ at a real tailgate.

Response to Principle of 5

For a long time, I have set my dating standards to high.  We need to have standards, but they must be realistic.  I have ruled out to many quality women in my life, but now I am implementing the Charity of 10.

For every relationship, man or woman, we must factor in 10 points of charity.  What?!? "This is the stupidest idea I have ever heard."  

"Wait, what does it mean?"

Example 1).  I am 35 years old, but I fall in love with a woman who is 24.  Initially I say, "This woman is way too young for me."  However, factor in the Charity of 10... and magically this woman is 34.  She is a perfect age for me to marry.

Example 2.)  "I think I could be interested if he lost about 10 pounds (I know this has never been said by a woman, but this is for the sake of the argument."  Poof... with the Charity of 10, the potential partner has gone from a husky 205 to a well built 195.

Example 3)  "I wish she made a little more money, so I could be a stay at home dad."  Interesting fact, when the Charity of 10 is attached to money it can either be multiplied or divided.  Therefore, the woman making $40,000 is now making $400,000.  Which equals jackpot.  Or consider the man who is $100,000 in debt, divided by Charity 10.  This debt has been brought to a manageable $10,000.

Andy Konigsmark's mother says, "I wish my baby would have learned the Charity of 10 years ago.  His standards are so high now... not even SugarMama.com can help him."

Remember these are just tools, use the Principle of 5 and Charity of 10 at your discretion. 

Theory #2

Recently, I developed the idea that everyone has a nemesis, but I also developed the principle of 5's.  Simply put, Christians multiply all facets of their romantic relationships by the number 5. 

Here are some examples:

Example 1.)  In reality you have been dating 3 months.  In the Christian World 3 (months) x Principle 5 = dating for 15 months or the time to start talking marriage.

9 months of dating in the "Real" world without talking marriage is normal, but not when you factor in Principal 5.  With P5, you are closer to 4 years of dating.  This means you have 5 times the fear of commitment.  

Example 2.)  Let's say you had sex with 2 people before marriage (shame on you, sex before marriage is an urban legend) ... multiply this by Principle 5 and you get the number 10.  Which now means you are not fit for marriage.  "Why did you do this to me?"

Example 3.)  Most newlyweds will have sex 3 times a week. (I read studies people... you can look it up.)  Anyways multiply 3 by Principle 5 and you have a reason not to go to work.

My point... Christian men and women be careful out there.  Watch out for partners who have been poisoned by the Principle of 5.  When you get that .5 Karat diamond wedding ring, don't ask, "Where are the other 2 Karats?"  P5 is a way of the past, next blog I will introduce the Charity of 10's.

I made a pact

When I was 18 years old, my friend Sabra and I decided we would marry if we were still single when we hit 30.  I made this pact as a backup plan.  I would never have to use it, but now I am 30 and single.  She is 30 and unmarried, but she does have a great boyfriend.

Here's my point... next year I will be 31 and what's my fall back plan then?  I didn't make pacts with anybody else.  There is no second option.  I figured she was a woman of her word and would honor her commitment. I like her boyfriend Sean, but this could be my last chance.

So like any man would do, I sent her an email.

I was as nice as possible, but I laid out the specifics of our non-legal pact.  I even played this card, "Sabra we made this pact in the eyes of the Lord.  I can understand you saying no to me, but can you say no to God?"

Her response, "Andy, the thirties are the new twenties.  So that means we have ten more years."

The moral of this story... get legal documentation and representation.  I guarantee you Johnny Cochran would make our agreement hold up in court.

Witches and warlocks

A Christian friend of mine recently told me she was interested in this guy, until she found out he practiced Wicca. (In case you don't know its a type of witchcraft.)  

"So you're interested in a Warlock?"

"No, Andy he is not a Warlock."

"Well if he is a man who practices witchcraft, I am pretty sure he is warlock.  Not that all Warlocks and Witches are bad people, but they are definitely not Christians."

"Andy, why do have to be so judgmental.  He has a good heart."

"Would that be a heart of a frog or an eye of newt?"

Which brings me to my point, when I first graduated college I use to work with a girl named Tatiana.  She was  a self professed witch. No she did not have a wart on her nose or ride a broomstick.  Let's be realistic here people.

Being a Christian, I just thought this was plain weird.  I have never known or worked with a witch before.  I feel bad now, but we always made jokes that she was going to cast spells on us.

Then one day, Tatiana did not show up for work.  We were all a little worried about her, so we called to get the 411.  I am not making this part up.  The day before, Tatiana had been called to the hospital because her friend was sick and needed her powers.  Not magical power, but powers.  She stayed up all night with her friend, but afterwards she had been "completely drained of all her power."  Due to her loss of "power" she would be unable to work for a couple days.

My question, Does loss of "power" equal a sick day?

Anyways when she came back to work... I approached her with the fear I was going to have a spell cast on me.  "Tatiana, I owe you an apology.  I don't believe in talking behind someone's back and I want to say I'm sorry.  But I think its weird that you are a witch."

She stared at me for what seemed like an eternity...  "Andy, I think its weird that you are a Christian."

I came to find out later, she did not believe in casting evil spells.  It was against the witches code of ethics. (Who knew there was a code of ethics.) She only casted spells to help out people in need.  

The point is...make sure you completely read someone's E-Harmony profile.

For my 30th Birthday

To Andy on turning 30:

When you were born, I knew it was my last chance to get it right as a parent. Now, I want to thank you for never taking the path most traveled and stretching me as a parent along the way for 30 years.

Even your first two years were very eventful.  If you missed a nap by 5 minutes, it threw off your schedule for the whole day. Until you came along I believed this to be a myth made up by overindulgent parents.

And then there was the breath holding for the first two years of your life, and that could be set off by most anything.  All the while, you could quietly have a fit then fall over and cut yourself.  For those early years, we surrounded you as though you were in a bubble.

When you went to school, it was discovered you could not learn in a conventional way, so you went to the Village school.  Where you made up such grand stories the teachers called me in for a conference to explain you were telling the class how we locked you in the basement, wouldn't feed you, and how your big brother would beat you up on a routine basis.

You were very creative not only in your storytelling, but in your artistic endeavors and in drama.  You won an art contest and the starring role in Midsummer Nights Dream.

Your humor has always been apparent.  Mostly, it's been a great delight to us, but not so much to your siblings when you ruined their relationships by giving humorous names to their boyfriends/ girlfriends.

You are one who overcomes and I am so proud of the man you have become.  From your early struggles in school, you have gone on to excel in college career and will soon have a masters degree in Divinity.  You have stood up for your faith in comedy clubs and on national TV.

From being afraid to ride a bike, you are no shooting commercials for mountain biking.  You excel in many sports and are in excellent physical shape, so much so we got to come watch you perform on a national TV show this Fall and you were awesome!!!

Thanks for the fabulous ride and for all the things you have taught me over these 30 years.

Love,

Mom

Sorry...for the last post

As a child, I wanted to be a dog when I grew up.  I legitimately thought I could become a four legged house pet.  To me, it seemed like a great job: sleep, eat, play, and poop.  You did not have to work and somebody took care of you.  You could have sex with whoever you wanted with no consequences.  What's not to like?

My mother reminded recently, "Andy you didn't want to be a dog, you thought you were a dog."

I blame her for my social dysfunction.  She made me a dog suit at the age of four and I wore it everyday until first grade.  Most days (my mother had some standard) I was not allowed to wear my suit to school, but this did not stop me from telling my teacher I had fleas.  

On most occasions, I refused to leave the house without the suit.  I was even allowed to wear it to church on special occasions.  Matter of fact, I was wearing the suit when I accepted Jesus as my savior.  For all you haters, all dogs do go to heaven. 

At least my mother had her standards.  I was never allowed to go naked in public.  However, when the suit got dirty I would sit naked as a bluejay by the washer and dryer until it was clean.

My older brother actually began inviting his friends over to see me do tricks.  I am not sure what my best trick was.  I'll have to ask him, but I remember peeing on the carpet was not very funny to our father.  In hindsight, eating out of our golden retriever's food dish was not a great idea either.

In closing let me say, my mother is the sweetest woman in the world.  That said, she encouraged my dream to be a dog.  For my 18th birthday my mother made me a dalmation suit.  Which I still own and wear on special occasions.  Like graduating from college. For my 25th birthday she promised to make me a cheetah suit, so I could challenge my neighbors to races.  I am still waiting on that one.

Thanks for always believing in me Mom.

I love her

Imagine this scenario, Smyrna 2003, you meet the woman of your dreams.  She is your ten of tens.  Everything you have ever wanted in a partner.  She is funny, cute, athletic, smart, loyal, patient, independent, has a great family, and she loves God.  Did I mention she was cute?  Her little button nose makes you smile even on your worst days.  She has a laugh that is infectious and the cutest accent that always melts my heart.

We go to a Braves game on the first date.  We talk baseball, life, and laugh about general non-sense.  Are you kidding me... this woman is perfect for me.  Where has she been?

 I lean over and say, "Hey, the game's over.  Are you ready to leave?"

"Andy, the game is not over.  There is still one more inning.  It's baseball... according to you anything can happen."

 We stayed and thank God the Braves won, but that is not the point.  We stayed... just because anything can happen.  That is the beauty of baseball.  We stayed for the love of the game.    

We dated for several months and I began to know... she was my one.  She was the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  Sure, we had not used the words I love you.  But I knew she was the woman that I wanted to wake up to everyday the rest of my life.  I wanted to travel the world with her.  I wanted to hold her and tell her everything was going to be alright.

I remember her looking me in the eyes on night, "Andy, you're my one."

I believed it.  I soaked in every word she said to me.  If she would have told me Mr. T was the first president of the United States I would have believed her.  I was totally captivated by her.

Then it all came crashing down.  The nemesis... I could not even see him coming.  Rather I did not know he had been there before.  She still loved the nemesis for some unknown reason.  What is a man supposed to do?  Do you congratulate the nemesis or do you fight for the woman?

Its only fair

It is only fair I tell you about my nemesis.  Let me say this... I am not going to name my nemesis because he does not need the credit.  For the sake of the blog... I will call him True Burden.  Additionally, I do not curse the day he was born.  I actually enjoy our rivalry; it makes my life just more interesting.  Just the thought of him... makes me push myself that much harder.  I won't let down my guard, because I need to stay one step ahead.

Initially, True and I started off as friends until he figured out how to push my buttons.  He loves to make me feel bad about myself.  I am not sure how he does it... but it is almost a gift.

The best way to describe it: It is one of days you are not feeling so great about the shirt your wearing, maybe you got a bad haircut, or you have a big zit... just something stupid that should not bother you.  Until, you see the nemesis and he drops this... "Andy the money you saved on that haircut, did you use it to buy that shirt your wearing?  Oh and in case your wondering, everybody will be staring at your ugly shirt and bad haircut so no one will notice that large growth on your face."

In his mind he says these things to be funny.  On any given day, they would be funny.  It is just something about the way he says it.  He can almost smell when I am at my lowest point and he goes for the kill.

Another thing, I pride myself on being in good shape.  I am certified personal trainer.  I have completed several marathons and triathlons.  I played college sports.  In sum, I am an athlete.  However, he always feels the need to give me tips on my physique.  "Bro, you have really nice arms... but your chest could really use some work.  I mean you look good, but if you want some tips."

Then he takes it to this level, "Andy your in great shape for someone your age.  I hope you are able to keep that up.  Right I am trying to focus on my walk with God before focusing on my personal appearance, but whatever works for you."

At the end of the day he will always take one more stab.  "How are things with your girlfriend?"  He knows full well we have broken up, but feels the need to remind me I am now single.  "Don't worry Andy... there are tons of ladies out there for you... sure they're girls I wouldn't date.  But you're older, so be careful not too be too picky."

Does he provoke me on purpose?  Does my misery bring him joy?  Yes, people... he has some personal vendetta against me for no reason.  

I want to hear your stories.

I have a theory

I recently came up with a theory that everyone has a nemesis.  Sure this person may not currently be in your life, but this does not remove them from being your nemesis.  I am not sure if you can have more than one nemesis, but this seems reasonable.  Over the course of a lifetime I would have to think there would be more than one.  Remember it is possible you are somebody's nemesis, but they are not your nemesis.  

I have some friends in their 30's who have deep seated hate for individuals they went to high school with.  It is so bad one of my friends got a little smile on his face when he found out his high school nemesis had cancer.  Sure he felt bad for the guy's family, but he felt like the guy probably deserved it.  Okay people...that is deep seated hate.

Another friend of mine (we'll call her Fern) still holds a grudge against a girl (Melissa) she's known since elementary school.  Apparently, they liked the same boy in middle school.  When the nemesis(Melissa) did not get the boy she started rumors about my friend.  She told everybody in her youth group at church that Fern and this boy were having sex at twelve years old.  Yes, people in middle school are having sex... but Fern was not.  Here is the clincher, Melissa would lead the youth group in pray for Fern and her boyfriend.  "Dear God, we know Melissa is doing wrong.  But please save her from her wicked ways."  Are you kidding me? 

I want you to think about it.  Who is your nemesis?  You know you have one?  How would you feel if you saw this person today?