My last Presidential Candidate

Does anyone know who was nominated as a presidential candidate by the Witches, Vampires, and Pagan Party?  Yes its a real party and their Presidential Candidate is non other than Johnathon "The Impaler" Sharkey.  He is a 42 year old vampire from the Garden State who also dabbles in professional wrestling.

My plan was to get this guy on the phone for an actual interview, but he's gotten himself into a little bit of trouble with the Secret Service.  The Vampire has repeatedly threatened to impale President Bush when he took office.  

Sharkey said, "They never asked to see my impaling stick."

In 2006, he ran for governor of Minnesota.  Part of his platform, was to impale murders, child molesters, rapist, and drug dealers.  However, he does not have a problem with courthouses displaying the 10 commandments.

Initially, I was going to write a spoof on this guy.  One week later, I am shocked by this man.  He truly believes he is a vampire.  Women give him blood so he can regain power and keep his youthful appearance.  Additionally, he is married to a vampire and together they choose to worship Satan.

My point... please don't complain about our next president, because this man was once a registered Republican and a member of the US army.

Please Don't

I am notorious for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time... but what about when the tables are turned on me.

This dialogue comes from a recent get together with friends.

Friend 1:  "What is your friend with the ridiculous name?"

Me:  "Well I have a couple, but I assume you are talking about IV because he is the fourth."

Friend 2:  "Don't you also have a friend called Two because he is the second."

Me:  "That is true as well.  I am so thankful my parents gave me a normal name."

Friend 1:  "But normal names can be bad too.  I think Margaret is an awful name.  I always think of overweight women who sweats a lot."

Me:  "My mom's name is actually Margaret and last time I check she weighed about 100 pounds."

Friend 1:  "She goes by Meg or Maggie right?"

Me:  "No she definitely goes by Margaret."

Friend 1:  "You are just jerking my chain."

Friend 2:  "No, his mom's name really is Margaret."

Friend 1:  "I am really sorry.  I guess its better than your Dad being called Hank or something.

Me:  "What do you have against my parent's names?"

Friend 1:  "Now I know you're kidding."

Friend 2:  "Once again I'll vouch for him... before you say anything else his sisters names are Maggie and Callie plus he has a brother Matt."

Here's the point:  Make fun of my friends IV and Two they are easy targets.

One more thing

First dates are the time when you give your best effort.  Don't talk about your bitter break up or the fact you suffer from a bi-polar disorder.  I am all for laying it out on the table, but please don't play all of your cards in the first couple of dates.  You may very well play yourself out of a second date.

This story comes from my tragic series of E-Harmony first dates.

Her:  "Oh... I actually met my last boyfriend on E-Harmony.  We dated for about a year.  Things were great... but there was always this one thing that bothered me."

Me:  (I am thinking to myself it has to be sexual.)  "Well I am sorry things did not work out for you."

Her:  "I was naive and thought the the problem would go away or maybe I would just deal with it in time."

Me:   (I am still thinking it has to be sexual.)  "I guess we tend to do that sometimes... we want to overlook the small things."

Her:   "Trust me it was no small thing... the problem kept getting worse and worse.  I couldn't believe how obsessed he was.  This one little thing finally become the number issue in our relationship."

Me:  (It has to be something.)  "Gosh I am really sorry to hear that.  I really don't even know what to say."

Her:  "It was politics... he was obsessed with politics.  (She catches me snickering across the table.)  I can't believe you laughed about our problems.  All he wanted to do was talk about politics.  Sure I love politics, but I don't need to talk about it all the time.  We don't need to talk about it before the intimate times.  It controlled his life.  I can't believe I fell for a Democrat.  I am staunch Republican there is no way I could stay with him after he told me he was going to vote for Hilary Clinton.  No way can I support a man who wants a woman president."

My point: Don't make the same mistake I made and tell her you are going to vote for a Democrat in the up coming election.  

Top 10 Halloween

Top 10 things to remember on Halloween.

10.  If you are shaving... you should not be going trick or treating.

9.  Do not use a costume as a way to present your alternate ego.

8.  Kids want candy, not your left over junk from a yard sale.

7.  Your outfit cannot be 'unfaithful spouse'.

6.  Trick or Treaters know when your home... trust me.

5.  Running out of candy is still unacceptable due to our current economic situation.

4.  Don't make popcorn as a "treat"... because we are going to throw it away.

3.  Do not show up naked claiming to be Adam who is looking for Eve.

2.  When invited to a Halloween party, do not assume its a costume party.

1.  And for all you overprotective Christian moms and dads, "Harvest Festival" ain't nothin but a fancy title for HALLOWEEN. 

Getting married

Deon, my best friend from growing up, called a couple weeks ago to tell me he was getting married.  While we were on the phone he asked if I would perform the wedding ceremony. I was his first choice as the minister, but he was going to need to talk to his fiance.

A couple days later he calls back... and this is story he gives me.

Deon:  "Honey, I want my best friend to perform our wedding ceremony."

Fiance:  "I hate to break this to you, but my father wants to do the ceremony in his church."

Deon:  "I know... I know... but how often do you get the opportunity to be married by your best friend?"

Fiance:  "I understand that, but don't you think it would be awkward for Andy?"

Deon:  "I don't think so... he has performed a couple of our friend's weddings."

Fiance:  "I just think it could be an uncomfortable situation for him."

Deon:  "He's great in front of large groups... I don't think there would be a problem at all."

Fiance:  "I just don't want him to get nervous in front of all our friends.  I don't want everybody staring at him."

Deon:  "No, he will be completely fine."

Fiance:  "I am just nervous he's not going to fit in."

Deon:  "What do you mean?  He knows he's white."

In the end, they got married at the courthouse.

Bradford Lyttle for President

Over the past two weeks I have introduced my dark horse candidates for president: Jeff Boss (a man who has proof our government caused the 911 attacks) and Richard A. Duncan (a man who runs a bar in Ohio).  Today, I bring you Bradford Lyttle from the Pacifist Party.

Originally, I planned on doing another mock interview with Mr. Lyttle.  Then the light came on, I will contact him via email for an actual interview.  I was so excited to have real answers to use when created my ridiculous mock interview.  I figured I would cut and paste and create something real special for all my readers.  Sure enough, the man himself emails me a couple days ago.  

I was like a kid on Christmas morning, when I saw the email in my inbox.  I kept thinking to myself... "Oh man there are going to be some gems in here. This will be my best interview yet."

Unfortunately, I was a little letdown.  Every question I asked was meant to be a joke.  Then the candidate flipped the tables on me. He replied with a well crafted email that he most have spent at least an hour writing.  He thoughtfully answered all 8 of my questions with at least 10 or 15 sentences.  After reading this email, it was apparent I had become a bully with a blog.  

There was no way I could do a spoof on this guy.  He is 80 years and is no way disillusioned that he is going to win the presidency.  He has never wanted to be president.  Instead his friends encouraged him to run, so he could motivate political leaders to bring our troops home and hopefully guide our world to the destruction of nuclear warheads. 

At the end of the email, he thanked me for contacting him and supporting his cause.  He welcomed me to ask anymore questions I might have.  Like any defeated warrior I sent him an email thanking him for his time and consideration.

Here's to you Mr. Bradford Lyttle

Guilty Pleasure Crush

Recently, I proposed the idea of the guilty pleasure crush.   Remember this a romantic crush that you really don't want anyone to know about.  It is very similar to watching Titanic, sure you may love the movie but you don't want anyone to catch you watching it.

Moving on... I am interested in a young lady who is not my guilty pleasure crush, but in good faith I told her the identity of my GPC.  

Her:  "You are kidding right? Come on Andy... that makes me feel worse about myself."

Me:  "Well thanks for inviting me into the tree of trust."

Her:  "I just can't believe you think she is cute."

Me:  "That's what makes it a guilty pleasure... I have a crush for absolutely no reason.  Now its your turn to share your crush."

Her:  "Well...well...uhm.... (a little lip biting) I am a little embarrassed.  I don't know if I want to say."

Me:  That's the whole point.  That makes it a guilty pleasure."

After stammering for five minutes, she finally tells me.  Her GPC is this young good looking guy and I mean good looking.  He's smart, funny, athletic, and an all around great guy.

Me:  "That's not a GPC... there is no shame in that pick."

Her:  "I still can't believe you think sweater vest is cute."

Me:  "I can't place my finger on it... I just think she is cute.  That's what makes it a guilty pleasure."

Here's the point:  Much like a Nickleback CD, please keep your guilty pleasures to yourself.

Proverbs

Here are a couple of my favorite Proverbs as written by Eugene Peterson.

18:8  "Listening to gossip is like eating cheap candy, do you really want junk like that in your belly?"

19:3  "People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed?"

21:9  "Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse."

21:31  "Do your best, prepare for the worst- then trust God to bring victory."

27:21  "The purity of silver and gold is tested by putting them in the fire;  The purity of human hearts is tested by giving them a little fame."

Top 10 Quotes by my father

My father is notorious for his quotes... so I have compiled my top 10.

10.)  "Son, you can't believe the things you hear in the locker room."

9.)  "Doctor how soon after chemo can I have sex?"

8.)  "Is that a zit on your forehead or are you growing another nose?"

7.)  "Well I'll be John Brown."

6.)  "The Wooly Buga has got a holp to me. (Yes, I know this is spelled wrong.)

5.)  "If y'all have children... you are going to have interracial babies."

4.)  "I don't want this to hurt your feelings, but you can't afford to get married."

3.)  "You sound like a cow peeing on a flat rock."

2.)  "Son, if you have your name embroidered on your shirt at 30 years old... it means you didn't make it in life."

1.)  "Son, I don't care how fast you think you are.  You cannot pull out fast enough and no I am not speaking from experience."  

Feel free to add your favorite quotes.

Richard A. Duncan for President

Last week I informed you about Jeff Boss, my dark horse candidate for president.  This week I have conducted an interview with presidential candidate Richard A. Duncan. 

Me:  "Richard why are you running for President?"

Duncan:  "We were drinking at the bar one night and someone bet me I couldn't get on the ballot.  I guarantee that will be the last time they bet me anything."

Me:  "Do you believe your candidacy makes a mockery of our democracy?"

Duncan:  "Did you know that sounded more like a Doctor Seuss book?"

Me:  "You do have a valid point Mr. Duncan.  However, I want to know if you are putting any real effort into being president of the United States."

Duncan:  "You want to talk about effort.  The state of Ohio requires 5,000 signatures to be considered as a write in candidate; I received over 13,000 signatures.  Not only was I collecting signatures, but I was also running my bar in Aurora.  ."

Me:  "What can you tell us about your running mate Robert Culbertson?"

Duncan:  "I don't know a Robert Culbertson, you must be talking about Culby.  He has been my best friend since our days in the fraternity." 

Me:  "My last question, what will be your legacy in office?"

Duncan:  "I plan on doubling the alcohol content in a bottle of beer.  This will allow Americans to have a better time for less money.  I know this will hurt my bar business, but it will be my way of giving back to the people."

Unfortunately, I could not get in contact with Mr. Duncan so I had to fill in parts of this interview from the little I could find on the internet.  I encourage you to follow the links and see what we discover about this mysterious candidate.

No sharing

A couple weeks I wrote about the "one thing" that can ruin a dating relationship.  I mentioned a young lady who my brother swore had T-Rex arms.  I took a lot of heat for this post, so let me apologize.  Men and women are not always looking for that "one thing" to get rid of somebody.  However, Jerry Seinfield axed numerous women on his show because of some weird quirk.

This weird quirk does not have to be something physical.  It could be just something strange about your partner that you discover months after dating.  

Here's an example of strange:

I had been dating this young lady for several months and one day I took a bite of her ice cream.  In the blink off an eye, she began yelling at me hysterically, "I can't believe you touched my ice cream.  I never share dairy products with anyone.  Thanks to you I am going to be sick."

Seriously?  I don't know if this young lady remembered, but we had kissed before.  It is possible I am the worst kisser that ever walked the face of the earth, and she had blocked it from her memory.  In my defense, I have never seen or heard evidence to support this claim.

In my book, dairy products cannot and will not be a deal breaker. I can live with not sharing food, but the whole thing seemed a little absurd.  A psychologist would argue, this young lady's issue has nothing to do with dairy products.  Below the surface, she must have some unresolved issues.  I would argue differently, because you were not there that day.  Excuse me doctor, but I just wanted to taste the mint chocolate chip ice cream I paid for.   

This little dairy incident was the beginning to the end.  I could no longer live my life in fear of the dairy section at the supermarket.  I cannot and will not worry about eggs and why they are positioned next to yogurt, cheese, and milk.

Here is the point:  Don't let dairy products ruin your life.

Awkward Situation

Response to searching for Yeti's Awkward Situation #3:  Visiting a boyfriend out of state and getting broken up with.

I was the out of state boyfriend (Montana) who broke up with his long term girlfriend when she flew out (Georgia) for my college graduation.

We had been together for close to a year and had dating off an on for three years.  Year later, I am still haunted by this the whole situation.  Before the flight, I had no intention of breaking up with this girl.  I have no idea what happened, but the wheels absolutely fell off.  I had an epiphany the first night she was in town... I didn't get butterflies in my stomach anymore.  She's a great person, but our relationship was passionless and together we were headed nowhere.  

I forgot to mention, after graduation day we planned on road tripping from Montana to Georgia.  This was no longer an option, because I was not going to be trapped in a car for 3-4 days listening to breakup rebuttle.  So I begged my mother and sister to drive her to Portland, Oregon where she could catch a flight to Atlanta.  I bucked and paid for the $600 dollar plane ticket and told her we would talk about it when I arrived in Atlanta.  After I bought the ticket, I created a lame excuse why we couldn't ride home together.  

The excuse, "Well... you know I am going out of town for a couple months after graduation... so I am going to try and fly out of a closer airport and then get my car and stuff later in the summer."  Lie... blatant lie.  Eventually, I was going to move back to Georgia.  So it made no sense to leave my car in Montana.

I arrive in Atlanta a couple days after the whole debacle started and we have our closure speech. It did not go well.  There was no forgiveness on her end.  To make the situation worse, the following morning I was going to be traveling the globe for the next couple months.  During the sit down, I explained my side of the story and told her we would talk about everything when I got back.

I am an awful human being, but wait there's more. The plan after graduation was to attend Florida State for graduate school.  While traveling I decided to pull the plug on graduate school, but there was no back up plan.  After being gone for months, I arrive in Georgia and immediately move to Portland with my sister.  Being a gutless coward, I did not even call her when I got to Oregon.  Then I get a letter in the mail demanding I call her.  

Can you image the phone call did not go well?  She pasted me with insults for close to an hour.  I deserved it no doubt.  I have no excuse, but I learned my lesson.

To this unnamed lady: I am truly sorry for the way I treated you.  I am not that person anymore.

The moral to this story: Don't tell this story to your new girlfriend.

Top 10

Top 10 things I have learned since turning 30.

10.)  Having a career is not over rated.

9.)    Do not say, "Let me ask my mom."

8.)    Sleeping in bunk beds dramatically reduces your chances of pre-marital sex.

7.)    You might feel 16, but your body knows its age.

6.)    Going to G rated movies by yourself is creepy.

5.)    The room you slept in at 18 years old is no longer known as your bedroom.

4.)    Your parents have a life of their own.

3.)    Showing up for a first date on a bicycle is not cool.

2.)    Never ask a woman if she is pregnant.

1.)    Don't ask "Do I really look thirty?" Because you might not like the answer.

Text messaging.

I have a bad habit of sending ridiculous text messages for absolutely no reason.

More times than not I target my college roommate because he reads them at work.  A couple days ago I sent him this message: "Leave your wife and run away with me."  Or "I miss you Pooh Bear."

Then yesterday I sent this message to my best friend:

Me:  "I miss your sauce."

P Man: "I don't even know what that means, but my grandmother is back in the hospital."

Me:  "I am sorry.  How can I pray?"

P Man:  "With your eyes closed."

Me:  "I appreciate the tip... I just hadn't been able to figure out what I was doing wrong."

Today I sent this message to my sister:

Me:  "I am off to see the wizard."

Sister:  "Call me after your appointment.  Also see if he can find my husband a new job."

The point to this story: text messages make the world a better place.

Presidential Debate

This is a recent interview I conducted with Presidential Candidate Jeff Boss.  Wait you have not heard of Jeff Boss?  I am not 100% sure how this is even possible.  He is an independent who is only running in the state of New Jersey.  Shame on you, for not knowing the political scene in America.  Obama this and McCain that.  Well let me present to Mr. Jeff Boss.

Me:   "Jeff why do you want to be President of the United States?"

Jeff:  "For one... I know America is trying to deceive us.  They are using our tax payers money to build new Wal-Marts and Home Depots.  There is no war in Iraq."

Me:   "That is certainly an interesting opinion.  Can you prove your theory about Wal-Mart?"

Jeff:   "Yes, but I won't reveal my secrets until I'm in office."

Me:    "Alright moving on.  How are you going to solve our current financial situation?"

Jeff:   "A couple years ago I filed for bankruptcy and I think the U.S. should do the same thing."

Me:    "You want us to file for bankruptcy?  Then who will assume our debts?"

Jeff:   "We are America... we don't have to pay anyone for nothing.  We took this country from Britain and now we will take it from the rest of the world."

Me:    "What about health care?"

Jeff:   "The great comedian Chris Rock is correct.  Robitussin can cure whatever is wrong with you.  Therefore, I will give each America a bottle of Tussin to take care of their health problems."

Me:    "Let me ask you this, why do you think there have been attempts on your life?"

Jeff:    "Our government is scared of me.  Matter of fact they have other governments             conspiring against me.  Is it my fault that I see America for the facade that it really is?"

Me:    "No Jeff it is not your fault.  One final question: What will be your legacy in office?"

Jeff:   "I will outlaw the automobile.  This will rid the U.S. of traffic jams, drive by shootings,    and dependency on foreign markets."

Note:  This interview was completely fictitious, but Jeff Boss is running for President.  However, I do encourage you to look over his website.  

High School Musical 3

I have a bad case of Hudgens Disease and the only cure is more High School Musical.  

Breaking news:  High School Musical 3:  The Biggest Event in Pop Culture History since... High School Musical 2.  

Musicals are Back:  Wake up and smell the coffee America musicals are a part of our history.  Do I need to remind you of a little TV station called MTV?  How quickly you forget about the groundbreaking success of Hairspray, Moulin Rouge, and Chicago.

A Star is Born:  America loves its movie stars and today I present you Vanessa Hudgens.  She was "Choice Hottie" at the 2008 Teen Choice Awards.  

Grass Roots Competition:  Please keep in mind HSM is all about competition.  One girl and one boy battling to the death for the top spot at their high school.  At its core, this is American Idol on steroids.  

I Need Napster:  In case you were living in a cave somewhere off the coast of Africa chasing spider monkeys, then I will remind you the HSM soundtrack had a record 9 singles on the Billboard top 100... at the same time.  This is the equivalent to Atlanta wining the World Series, Super Bowl, NBA Championship, hoisting the Stanley Cup, winning a Gold Medal at the Olympics, creating Coca Cola, producing the President of the United States, finding a cure for Aids, winning the Nobel Peace Prize, and feeding all the starving children in the world simultaneously.  Do you think the Little Mermaid can compete with that?  I don't think so. 

In closing, I love the HSM franchise.  I am almost embarrassed to admit it, but I guarantee you I bought my movie ticket for opening night weeks ago.

I have a crush

Recently my friend Searching for Yeti wrote about the different types of romantic crushes:

Celebrity: Someone you don't know, but are still attracted to. 

Backburner:  The crush who always lingers in the back of your mind.

Pipe Dream:  The crush that will never materialize.  Get over it.  Closely related to the Celebrity crush.

Flip Flop:  I like her.  No I don't.  Well maybe I do.  No I don't, but she is kind of cute.

Wingman:  Tricky situation.  Somehow you have to ditch the friend so you can corner the wingman.

Denial:  "Bro there is no way I would go out with your x girlfriend.  I don't care how amazing and beautiful she is."  My advice... you better fess up before its too late.

Friend:  Don't blame yourself.  I blame the so called friend for being so nice and ambiguous.

Cradle robber:  If she was in elementary school when you were in high school you need to let this ship set sail.  Don't be the creepy old guy.  Ex.  Tom Cruse and Katie Holmes 

Burn:  You actually have a fighting chance, but she is also making time with your best friend.  Oooh that burns.

Bad News: You can't shake her even though you know she is bad news.  You say stupid things like, "Maybe she has changed." or "Deep down she is a great person."  She is not a great person... we dated for a couple years.

Phone/Email: Don't be fooled by a great phone voice.  This one rarely pans out.  Also remember that sweet email, for all you know her mom wrote it.  

An addendum to the previous list of crushes:

Hot Mom or Dad:  I am not talking about the young mother who was widowed at age 23.  I am talking about your best friend's mom who shamelessly flirts with you.  Get out of there.

Airplane/ Camp/ Class/Work:  You pick out the cutest person in this particular situation because it is a good way to pass time.  This is a non-committal crush.  

Cross Cultural/ Inner Racial:  Sure you might prefer people from your ethnic group... but there is that special someone who always catches your eye.  I encourage you to make that leap.

Best Friend's sibling:  You like your best friend so much that you want to marry their sibling so you can officially be apart of the family.  Please stay away.  I was the little brother with the hot older siblings.

Guilty Pleasure: You have a crush on this person for absolutely no reason.  You might even be a little embarrassed about it. It can best be compared to that one CD you own that you don't want your best friends to know about, but you will listen to it at full volume on your time.

Feel free to add to this list as you see fit.

 

Europe Quotes

Some of my favorite quotes from my recent European vacation:

Chris S. "I know Munich was bombed during the war, but I figured the architecture would be a little nicer."

Andy talking to the police in Germany after being pulled over on the Autobahn.  "What exactly did we get pulled over for? Also how fast can we go out here?"

Jason I's Swedish cousin.  "America f*!k yeah."

Jason I.  "The best part about Stockholm had to be the breakfast buffet at our hotel.  I had reindeer for breakfast!!!"

Andy K on the beach in Italy. "Wow, I am really disappointed with the lack of speedos."

Feel free to send me some of your favorite quotes.

 

Really?

The number one reason I avoid talking about my personal life... stupid comments.

Anonymous girl "Hey Andy how are things with your girlfriend?"

Me: "Well things didn't really work out."

Anonymous "Wow... I thought you guys were headed down the aisle.  What happened?"

Me:  "She needed to focus on herself."

Anonymous:  "Let me guess... she cheated on you... because you were doing that whole save yourself for marriage business."

Me:  "Yes... I am saving myself for marriage, but she did take a trip to naughty town... and failed to invite me."

Anonymous:  "I know we're both Christians, but we're adults.  If you were having sex... she wouldn't have cheated."

Me:  "You're right she said she wanted to have sex... she just didn't specify who she wanted to have sex with.  So I guess it was all my fault.  Thank you so much for helping me see the errors of my way."

The  point... feel free to use the phrase Naughty Town

That one thing

Often times there is just "one thing" you wish you could change about that special somebody in your life.  Eventually, you become obsessed with the "one thing."  You try to comfort yourself, "It's only me.  Nobody else notices this."  You tell yourself, "This person is great, I should accept them just the way they are."

In college, I dated a girl who I was crazy about until my brother pointed out her short arms.  "Andy, her arms look like a T-Rex. "  He would then begin to attack me with his T-Rex arms, and make these high pitched dinosaur sounds.  He even referred to her as Rex.

For the next couple months I would catch my eyes wandering towards her arms.  Yes, they were actually short.  Initially, I did not care.  Then my brother got in my head space, "Do you think she can even hug you with those arms?" or "Are her arms more of a flipper?"  

Finally, I begin to obsess over it.  I would stare them all through dinner.  Whenever we would kiss I would think about her T-Rex arms.  She would hug me and I would remember those weird noises my brother would make.  Needless to say, I had to pull the plug for both of us.  She needed a fresh start with someone of her kind.

So I ask you, what it that one thing?

Prayer?

Recently I was asked to pray before our rec league softball game.  After I was done praying, one of the players lays into me.  "What the hell was that?  Where was the part about us winning?  I thought you were supposed to be a minister or something.  What is the point of having you on our team if you don't pray for wins."

"Oh, I'm sorry I asked God to watch over us and to grant us the ability to play to our highest levels.  I just figured if we were the better team we would win.  I shouldn't have to ask God for that little extra nudge to push us over the edge."

He fires back, "You talk about the power of prayer, but you are scared to prayer for a victory."

"Trust me, that is not the problem.  Consider the guy on the other team who prayed for a win.  Inevitably, someone is going to lose.  I believe safety and having a good time are more important winning."

His response, "Well that is just stupid, because everyone knows winning equals a good time."

"Oh really consider if the South had won the Civil War or if Hitler prevailed.  I don't think either of these scenarios would have equalled a good time."

My point... please don't be that person who prays for a great parking space at the mall two weeks before Christmas.

Job?

This was a recent email I received from an unknown individual who wanted to hire me for a position at their church.

This is Tommy at Awesome Church of the Creator located in Knoxville, TN.  We are starting a Multi-site campus in Nashville, TN and I am going to be shifting to the Campus Pastor role there.

Amazing things are happening at Awesome Church as it is the 43rd fastest growing church in the nation.  (What nation are we talking about here?  Is he referring to the Nation of Tennessee?  Also who is keeping track of these statistics?) - and people are coming to Christ Daily! (Are they really working on Friday and Saturday?)  God is moving powerfully in this place!! (Two exclamation points because God is abandoning other parts of the country.)

Anyway, wanted to touch base with you to see if you might be interested in putting in an application, (No!!) or if you know someone that is high caliber and would love the challenge of taking a youth group of 150 students to the "next level" of 350+ (Is this so called level the one I could never find in the original Super Mario brothers?  I can't even begin to remember how many times I hopped in that green pipe.)  It's not about the numbers- but numbers equals influence (What passage is this?) and more kids coming into a relationship with Jesus! (For some reason Jesus only gets one exclamation point.)

Look forward to speaking with you! (Really another exclamation point.  Do I need to reference my earlier comment?)

Much like Donald Trump, the modern church has now become obsessed with numbers.