New Year's Eve

Last year on New Years I was the opener for a huge comedy show in Fresno, California. (Okay maybe huge is an overstatement, but there were about 2,000 people in attendance.) Afterwards, I made an aggressive move and decided to drive back to LA after the show, about 3 1/2 hours away, so I could celebrate the New Years with some of my friends.

On the drive back the plan went bad. About an hour into the trip my truck breaks down in the middle of nowhere. An hour later I get picked up by a tow truck driver and his girlfriend. (They wanted to spend New Year's Eve together in the cab of his truck.) They tow me to Bakersfield which is about 30 minutes away.

They insist I drop my truck at this certain repair shop and the good news is there's a "nice motel" close by (oxymoron). "Nice motel" is an overstatement. This place was super classy; complete with 2 non-smoking rooms. The breakfast buffet was filled with every cigarette carton imaginable. Thankfully, there was a quickie mart close by so I could stock up on beef jerky and orange soda.

On New Years Day I decide to lock in myself in my room and watch college football. Well this would have been great if my TV didn't change channels every five minutes or so. Apparently the remote control next door operated my TV as well.

When I leave my room to complain, I noticed several scantily clad woman outside talking and playing with their little dogs. What is going on here? I quickly learned there was a Gentleman's Club close by and both businesses had the same owner. (Right. A "classy motel.")

Let's sum this up: Spent New Years Eve alone, my truck broke down, paid for a crappy motel for a couple days, couldn't watch college football, and I was forced to live on a diet from the local mini-mart.

My point: The only reason we have New Year is to celebrate college football.

10 Fun Facts for the New Year

Here are 10 random facts for the New Year:

10. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily. (I told you Mom, I did not get that girl pregnant!)
9. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries. (Is this record in the Guinness Book Of World Records?)
8. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle." (What is the dot over the letter j called?)
7. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals. (Who knew Happy Meal lovers were such free spenders?)
6. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white. (Beam me up Scotty.)
5. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants. (What about all those hairy Europeans who are wearing Speedos?  Ban that.)
4. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine. (In Georgia, however, its sold as a way of life.)
3. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before the book. (I'm sure the Big Bacon Classic is even more thankful!)
2. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (The same thing can be said about my college roommate.)
1. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino. (He was also green and his spit fizzled.)

My Point: Its time to forget about last year's mistakes.

Parking tickets

A couple weeks ago, I came out and found a parking ticket on my truck. Upon further reading, I realized I had been given a parking ticket warning. My fine came to the whopping total of $0.00. I had a week to pay this fine or show up to court to dispute my warning. I am serious these were two of my options. My other option: buy a brand new toy for a less fortunate child. The catch: The toy had to cost over $10 and I needed a receipt. Now I was in dilemma. Do I pay the fine of $0 dollars? Do I go to court to argue my warning? Or do I try to re-gift a toy with a handwritten receipt?

My point: I thought warnings were used for tornadoes and trailer parks.

Interview with Santa

Me: Why didn't I get a Mustang GT on my 17th birthday?

Santa: Well, its not my job to give cars.

Me: Do you remember what you gave me that year?

Santa: You were 17, why were you still believing in Santa?

Me: We are sitting down for an interview right now. So I thought this was a valid question.

Santa: Were you naughty or nice that year?

Me: Santa, of course I was nice that year.

Santa: Really because my records indicate that your were naughty. It says you were suspended from school three times, wrecked your car, and you were arrested for vandalism.

Me: Woah there big fella. I was a teenage boy, I was supposed to get into trouble.

Santa: Let me tell you about Timmy Morgan. At 17 years old, his parents were killed in a freak meth lab accident. He quit school and took a full time job at Burger King to support his little sister. Do you know what I gave him for Christmas?

Me: No Santa, please tell me.

Santa: Well I gave him a full ride to Stanford and I gave his sister a trust fund.

Me: What!?! Can you bring that stuff down the chimney?

Santa: I do what I want: I'm 'the Claus.'

My point: Forget you Timmy Morgan, I deserved a Mustang GT.

What?

What are you doing reading my blog? Go out and buy me a gift.

My point: Dodi and I are getting married. We need everything we can get.

Why? Just tell me why?

Why do people who make the least amount of money spend the most on Christmas lights?

I love to be a fly on the wall when the husband and wife decide how much money to spend on lights. "Well I know we need baby food, but Wal-Mart is having a great sale on plastic reindeer."

When was the last time you saw a five million dollar home covered in multi-colored lights and topped off with a healthy supply of plastic yard ornaments?

Ever notice how gung ho these Christmas light families are about putting up the lights? Then they wait until April or May to take them down. I know some families that don't take them down because ,"They're going right back up."

I've never seen it, but I am sure there is some Beverly Hillbilly decorating his mansion with enough lights to land an airplane.

My point: Quantity of lights does NOT equal quality of holiday spirit.

Christmas Top 10

My Top 10 Christmas quotes:

10. "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." - Shirley Temple
9. "What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic." - My Dad
8. "It's hard and sometimes it's scary. It still amazes my mother. I went home for Christmas one year and there were fans all over the front lawn, hoping to see me." - Luke Perry (Yes the good old days when 90210 was more than an area code.)
7. "That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry Seinfeld
6. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."
- Johnny Carson
5. "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller
4. "There's been a concerted effort to steal Christmas." - Jerry Falwell (Who is going to be charged with this crime?)
3. "The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature." - Andy Rooney
2. "Christmas carols always brought tears to my eyes. I also cry at weddings. I should have cried at a couple of my own." - Ethel Merman
1. "There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child." - Erma Bombeck

My point: Don't make it your goal to have a one night stand at the church Christmas party.

Worst Christmas

Alright boys and girls, I want to hear your worst Christmas stories.

My story is just down right depressing, so I need to figure out how to inject some humor into this one.

I was twenty three years old at the time, and I was working the grave yard shift at a drug and alcohol treatment center for teenagers. After getting off work at 8 AM on Christmas morning I went home to the traditional Christmas meal: Reeses Pieces. What did you think I was going to say, egg caserole?

What presents did I open that day? I either opened zero or none. But it might have been jack squat. I can't really remember. What was in my stocking? Wait a second... are stockings a Christmas tradition?

For the afternoon, I spiced it by taking a long nap before I went back to work that evening. Don't be jealous because I was living the dream.

My point: ET would have been proud of my Christmas meal.

TMNT or Transformer?

Would you rather be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle or a Transformer? Another tough question. I can either be a reptile or a machine.

I must go with being a turtle and not for the obvious reasons. I don't really care too much about being a turtle, being green, or knowing karate. Well maybe I do want those ninja skills. Sure they might be slow, but they can win the race. They carry their house with them.

Sure being a Transformer would be cool if I picked my identity. I would really like to be a monster truck who transformed into a robot, but I am afraid I would be more like a riding lawnmower. (I wonder if Transformers re-incarnate after they die?) At this point in my life, I am not ready to be a corporate sponsor for John Deere.

Ultimately, I choose to be an animal. Which gives me the opportunity to love. For all I know, the Turtles were asexual because we never saw them with female turtles. This is a risk I am willing to take.

My point: I don't want to cut grass by day and fight crime by night.

No you didn't

I have never been a big fan of trying to pick people up at the bar. However, I am huge fan of people watching and eavesdropping. My favorite is watching some chach (according to urban dictionary:a male who attempts to exhibit a cool and popular look but generally comes across as a total loser.) try to pick up a young lady who is totally out of his league.

Here's a gem I heard the other night.

Him: "In case you are wondering I went to Mcgill University in Montreal. Its better known as the Harvard of Canada."
Her: "What a coincidence. I went to the McGill of America."
Him: "What!?! Are you saying you graduated from Harvard?"
Her: "Well I did my undergrad at Standford, you know the Harvard of the west. Then I went to Harvard to earn my MBA."

My point: I don't want to brag, but I went the Harvard of Alabama... Devry Technical Institution.

Google Pop ups

I don't know if anyone else gets creeped out by the Google Pop-up Ads, but they make me feel like someone is reading all my emails. If you are in the dark, let me give you a scenario. Let's say you send an email talking about being single and dating, you might see some ads for dating websites pop-up on the sidebars. Or maybe you send an email about snowboarding, you might see some pop-ups for Whistler or Aspen.

Can you explain this one? And I swear this is true. I sent an email to a friend of mine from growing up. We were chatting about Colorado and snowboarding. Nothing else. I swear... okay maybe we talked about my job and living situation... but nothing else.

After I hit send I see this pop-up www.jessandmattswedding.com

I am not joking. I have no idea who Jess and Matt are, but they are getting married and Google felt the need to give them a shout out. I went on their website because I was curious. It was some generic website and I was the 58th visitor. What the heck?

My Point: Back off Google. I'm planning on getting married. I don't need you to pressure me too.

Top 10 bad first date ideas

Many of us have been on our fair share of first dates. I am going to tell you some of my mistakes as well as borrow some from others. Please avoid these pitfalls of dating.

10. Don't try and prove yourself on a first date. If you are afraid of heights why on God's green earth would you go skydiving? (Because I wanted to say "That happened people.")
9. Do not donate your blood to show your sensitive side.
8. Don't go to a restaurant where there are no prices on the menu. (This could set you back $400 bones.)
7. Do not and mean do not go shopping for a baby shower. This is bad on so many levels.

6. Avoid dinner and a movie rated for mature adults. (I went to Boogie Nights on a first and last date.)
5. Don't plan an epic five hour drive up the coast. (Its not that epic when you blow a tire.)
4. Do I even need to say this? Don't go to a wedding together after knowing a person for less than 24 hours.
3. Don't surprise them with tickets to the circus. (Some people have an extreme fear of clowns.)
2. Don't invite someone to a stand up comedy show and then take the stage telling jokes about the date.
1. Never ever and I mean never ever go to a family reunion on a first date. (Not only did I go, but I had no idea it was a family reunion until I got there.)

My point: I am done with first dates.

The one we want to forget

Most of us have dated that one person we wish all of our friends and family would forget about. I refer to this person as the Dark Horse, because she came out of nowhere. Her odds were like 100-1. I knew from the beginning that nothing was going happen with the Horse, yet I kept taking her out to pasture.

Then one day everything changed. My buddy drops this on me:

Him: "I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but The Horse is stripper hot."
Me: "Wow... what way am I supposed to take that?"
Him: "Don't get me wrong I would totally take the Horse out. She looks great now, but we don't know what that is going to look like in 20 years."
Me: "Thank you very much, Oracle. I don't know what I would do without your wisdom."

My point: Never bet against The Dark Horse.

Porn star or Hit Man?

Would you rather be a porn star or hit man? I find this a difficult question to answer. You are dealing with moral issues on both sides of the coin.

However, I choose being a hit man. I am doing wrong, but I could still have morals. Its not really fair that I get to play God, but I can pick and choose who I kill. Additionally, if I am good at my job (of course I plan on being ultra-good) no one even has to know about my killing spree. It is entirely possible I could make enough money off one killing to be done with it forever. Well, maybe two?

As for being a porn star, I am scared I would lose too much of my personality and morals. I'm sure there are good hearted people in the industry, but they are few and far between. And do you really want having sex to become a job? Why make something fun like sex a chore? Sure you're not killing anybody, but your child is certainly not going to bring you to school for career day.

My point: Don't hit and run.

Statistical Anomaly

What is a statistical anomaly?

A couple years ago, my roommate got a hankering for a Big Mac. We roll up to our local drive through, place our order, and then pull up to the window to pay. Here's your statistical anomaly, the girl (or should I say woman) working the window is smoking hot. What ridiculously hot young woman works at McDonalds?

My roommate and I stare in astonishment... this woman is definitely an eye catcher. Thanks to my roomie, he takes it to the next level.

Girl: "Can I get you anything else?"
Him: "Well... I did already place my order, but I was wondering if I could get your McDigits and maybe Supersize yourself with me?"
Girl: "That is the worst one I have heard this week. You guys have a nice day."

My point: Math alone cannot account for this situation.

That's a good point

During college my best friend dated an exotic dancer (aka: stripper). She was nice enough, but the relationship always struck me as weird.

Finally, I cracked one day.

Me: "Does it bother you that guys all over town have seen your girlfriend naked?"
Him: "How would you feel if I asked you the same question?"
Me: "What do you mean? I'm not dating a dancer."
Him: "Exactly my point. I know everybody is going to see my girlfriend naked."

My point: Touche.

Dog sitting and dog sh*tting

Dog sitting slash house sitting. One might think, "This should be easy enough." Here are ten reasons why my weekend job went south in a hurry.

10. Tell me about your maid and tell your maid about me. Also it would have been helpful to know she doesn't speak any English and has no idea who I am.
9. The dogs... well, they don't like to use the bathroom outside.
8. They are more needy than a five year old child.
7. Just at the moment I was about to fall asleep the dogs would let out one single bark. (As if to say its too late... I already peed on the floor again!)
6. The dogs are able to have bowel movements every two hours. And they don't feel the need to tell you it's a-comin'.
5. They like wander off when you let them outside. (You know, just to make you more nervous than you already are.)
4. Did I mention they have a problem with diarrhea? Especially when it's all over the FLOOR.
3. They said please make yourself at home. Well at my home there is food. I am in a multi-million dollar house and there is no food. (No its okay! I want to drive all the way back to my house to eat dinner by myself.)
2. After taking the job I realized they were paying me about 43 cents an hour.
1. Last but not least, the maid who didn't speak English, was having sex with her boyfriend when I arrived. (Are you freaking kidding me?)

My point: The rich keep getting richer and poor keep cleaning up dog poop.

Bond?

This past Saturday night I finally made it out to see the new James Bond movie.

After watching, I was left with several questions. Do women even care about his sordid past? Does he remember how many partners he's had sex with? Would he give Wilt Chamberlain a run for his money? Does Mr. Bond engage in safe sex? I never see him break out a condom. Is he being as careless as a golden retriever in heat? What message is he sending to the children of Europe? Thank goodness he's British. It lets America off the hook for the time being. Has he ever had performance problems? He is in his forties and I'm sure all of those extreme chase scenes have taken a toll on his body. Additionally, he consumes a fair amount of alcohol which could effect his performance and judgment. Has he ever had to take the walk of shame? I think there is a definite possibility with all the women he's hooked with. Does he have any illegitimate children? If so does he pay child support? Or is he a dead beat dad who is repeatedly being summoned to court?

My point: Mr. Bond its time to settle down and take care of your 007 children.

Bigfoot or Unicorn?

Would you rather have a pet Bigfoot or a Pet Unicorn?

I would rather have a pet Bigfoot, because nobody would ever mess with me. I a not 100% sure where I would keep my Yeti, but I know some places I would take him. Anytime I had to go to court... my Sasquatch would be right by my side. He would be sitting on the couch when I met my daughter's boyfriend for the first time. I would even take him to Georgia games and turn him loose to punish the opposing fans. Really my options are limitless. I envision my new friend as being better than Mr. T in your pocket.

My one fear, he would try to mate with all of my female friends. So there is no doubt I would need to have him neutered. I can't afford to raise little half breed Bigfoot babies or have the neighbor sue me because of an unexpected pregnancy.

Sure, it would be nice to have a pet unicorn if it had magical powers, but that is not a risk I am willing to take. If it doesn't have any magical powers then I am just left with some sissy for a pet. I can't take it hunting or nothing.

My point: Who needs a puppy when you can have a baby Bigfoot.

Plastic Reindeer

I hold my older sister in the highest regard because she has a full time job, raises a two year old baby, maintains a healthy marriage, and still finds time to pull off great practical jokes. Last Christmas, some of her redneck neighbors decided to decorate their yard with plastic reindeer, an inflatable Santa Claus, and a life size manger scene. Classy... very classy.

Not to be outdone, my sister and her husband snuck over in the middle of the night and placed the reindeer in a R-rated position. (Visualize: mounting each other.)

Much to their dismay, the neighbors quickly rearranged their yard ornaments the following morning to their previous G-rated setting. However a week later, my brother-in-law decided to have inflatable Santa straddle good old Rudolph.

My point: Thanks for setting the bar. I love you guys.

What if?

How crazy would it be if God had a Facebook page? Would there be enough memory on the web for the wall? What picture would be used for the profile? I can just imagine God commenting on some of my profile pictures: "Really? Are you choosing that sin again?" or "I am not sure why you asked for forgiveness if you are going to show the whole world."

Would God place little jokes on the status bar just to mess with us? "God is sending the moon home early tonight" or "God is upset about the weather in Miami... please pray for cooler temperatures."

Would God use Facebook Mobile? "God is just colt chilling with JC and the Holy Ghost.  Back up now."

Would God use the poke function?  Maybe the super poke?  Or would God create an entirely new application... Omniscient poke?

Would God send out silly invites? Do I even dare to ask, but what would happen if I said no to God's friend request? I guess that already happens.

In case you are wondering what this page would look like follow this link.

My point: My Mom is on Facebook, why not God?

Here's to you McGillicutty.

Bumper Stickers

Here are some of my favorite bumper sticker slogans.

10. I don't care how you did it up North.
9. My wife left me and all I got was this truck.
8. Fat people are harder to kidnap
7. Don't blame me I voted for Turd Sandwich
6. Don't whistle my dixie.
5. GRITS Girls Raised In The South
4. The South love it... or leave it.
3. Southern by grace of God... Redneck by choice.
2. Bless her heart = She's so stupid.
1. Rudy was offsides.


My point: Bumper stickers and License Plate Porn can create a world of free entertainment.

Christmas lights

I would have gone to an Ivy League School, but my parents spent all of my college money on this light display.

My point: I am proud to be an American at Christmas.