Whatchamacallit or Snickers?

I know this may sound trivial, but would you rather be a Whatchamacallit or a Snickers candy bar?



You might be asking yourself, "What exactly is a Whatchamacallit?" Great question. Recently, I heard it touted as the most underrated candy bar. It is a peanut butter crisp topped with a layer of caramel and dipped into Hersey's milk chocolate. What are the benefits you may ask? Number one it has a great name. Two it is chocolate (and that is all my father needs to hear.) Three.... refer to numbers 1 and 2. I am almost tempted to buy one because of the genius who coined 'Whatchamacallit.' I will buy one just so I can say the name later. In all honesty, I don't know if I've ever eaten one. Do people get cravings for Whatchamacallits? Or do they settle for M&M's because that is easier to pronounce.

To research the Snickers bar I went to www.snickers.com After signing on, I was forced to ask myself why. "Why does Snickers have its own website?' Are that many people concerned about the true identity of Snickers? Here are some facts I discovered: It is the top selling candy bar of all time and was named after a horse. We all know that it has chocolate, caramel, nougat, and peanuts. We've all heard, "Snickers really satisfies." But what is nougat? In the history of the world has anyone ever had a craving for nougat? Will nougat cause cancer? Does it come from a foreign country, such as Canada?

Now I am left to decide between the underrated and the overrated. With a clear conscious I must choose to be a Whatchamacallit because I am scared of nouget. Additionally, I do not believe a Snickers bar really satisfies.

My point: I am not going to eat anything named after a horse.

Keep some things to yourself

My former pastor was notorious for making shocking comments from the pulpit. One day he told the congregation, “When I first married I was filled with lust. I wanted to cheat on my wife every chance I had (Maybe a little too honest.) Thankfully he was able to top that one when he dropped this bomb, “Sex is running rampant in America (I can agree with that.) We have 8th graders giving each other blow jobs (What!?!? This might be true, but did he really just deliver this message from the pulpit?).

I swear to you this next part is true. After service several parents wanted to talk to me (because I was the youth pastor) about their children having sex. “I heard what the pastor said about these kids giving each other blow jobs, but can you explain what this is to my wife. I don’t think she understands.”

My point: I am literally not going to touch that one.

I feel like

The other night I figuratively run into a set of identical twins. As I am looking at one of them, I notice she has a huge zit. Then I get to thinking to myself why doesn't her sister have a zit in the same place?

My point: This is not as stupid as it seems.

!0 things I learned in college

Here are 10 things I learned in college.

10. That tattoo was not my best idea.
9. Never say, "Well I'll never see that person again."
8. Never start off a job interview with, "One time I was so drunk...."
7. Some experiments last a life time (If you know what I mean.)
6. The meal plan is an overrated communist trap.
5. You don't need good grades to get a good job.
4. College is about life, not about school. At least that's Montana's moto.
3. Christian colleges are a good place to meet a spouse and that's about it.
2. Wearing braces in college is a good way to support abstinence.
1. An angry leprechaun is not in charge of my student loans.

My point: "If you cheat you're only cheating yourself." Well self, I am sorry I cheated on you.

Double Dog Dare

Will I ever reach a point in my life where I am too old to take a dare? I keep thinking every year I get older, that I will grow out of taking bets. Not so much. I am still doing a lot of same stupid things I was doing 10 years ago.

Two years ago, someone bet me I wouldn't wear the same Georgia Bulldogs T-shirt everyday for the entire college football season. Please...why don't you make it a real bet? Not only did I wear that shirt for three months straight, but I only washed it twice (Maybe I shouldn't brag.). It was tough to keep wearing the shirt after a couple losses, but that is exactly what I did. I wore it on dates, I wore to school, I wore to work, and I wore underneath my dress shirt to a wedding. Why? Because I wanted to prove to the world a 28 year old could still win a bet.

You might be asking what did I win? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. The only thing at stake was my pride. Well thank God, I was able to keep up my rep.

My point: I bet you I can win.

Slinky or Silly Putty?

Would you rather be a Slinky or Silly Putty?

You might hate the Slinky TV ads, but they hold the distinct honor of being the longest running commercial jingle. You can actually buy the CD TEE VEE TUNES and listen to the Slinky song along with 49 other commercial favorites as many times as you like. If you do this, please stop reading my blog. Did you know soldiers in Vietnam used them for antennas? They also used them for bedtime companions. In 2001, Pennsylvania named Slinky the official state toy (This decision dethroned the rock as the official state toy).

Who's the most popular toy in school? It might just be Silly Putty. Since 1950 over 300 million eggs of Silly Putty have been sold, that is 4,500 tons of illegally copied Sunday comics. It can bounce higher than a rubber ball. It can float if you shape just so, but has the ability to sink. If you slam it with a hammer, it keeps its shape, yet if you push with light, even pressure, it will flatten with ease. However, it is susceptible to Kryptonite.

I love the Slinky, but I can only make it walk down stairs (I can do this all by myself, thank you very much). If I had enough Silly I could make a boat to get off a deserted island or I could make a ball to bounce to the moon. Do I need to say more? Silly Putty is legit.

My point: Recently, I was given a junior slinky and I thought to myself, "Wow... I wish I had a junior staircase."

Poor guy

By SEAN YOONG, Associated Press Writer – Wed Dec 24, 7:28 am ET
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia – He probably hasn't dated in two decades, but his survival may depend on whether Tam can get lucky soon.
Tam who was recently rescued on the edge of Borneo's rain forest, is expected to become Malaysia's first participant in a creative breeding program to save his extended family's life, an expert said Wednesday.
The roughly 20-year-old Borneo Sumatran, nicknamed "Tam," was found wandering in an oil palm plantation in August with an infected leg likely caused by a poacher trap or a hickie gone bad.
Tam, whose is known for his solitary nature, has been resettled in a peaceful resort in Malaysia's Sabah state. Sadly, he is one of the last of his kind.
Authorities hope to bring at least five male and females into the resort over the next few years so they can mate and produce offspring, said Junaidi Payne, the senior technical adviser for the WWF Malaysian Borneo chapter.
"Their numbers are so low that they might drift into extinction if no one does anything," Payne told The Associated Press.
Experts cannot confirm how many Borneo Sumatrans remain, but estimates range from 10 to 30 individuals, many of them isolated from others like them.
Borneo Sumatrans have rapidly vanished in recent decades as their habitat has been lost to logging, plantations and other development. Poachers have hunted them for their money, which are used to buy mansions, big cars, and flashy jewelry.
These single male and females in Sabah's 300,000-acre (120,000-hectare) resort will probably be able to find each other through their scent, Payne said.
"If they are not stressed out by other people (playa haters), the chances of success should be better," he said.
Hope for the these poor lonely desperate individuals was boosted after Malaysian government officials and WWF experts found new evidence of them at the local watering hole in May 2005. Since finding these pathetic creatures units have since launched patrols to deter poaching.
Conservationists and Republicans have warned these individuals could face extinction in the next 10 years.

My point: At least you don't have to find your partner through scent.

Don't touch it

My father is somewhat infamous for his stories, so in honor of his birthday this week. I will grace you with a new story.

The man loves his lawn. He buys the special fertilizer. He weeds it by hand. He is scared to let anyone else cut it. He even built a little rock wall around it so cars can not even get their tires near it.

Then one day, his world came tumbling down. He went to get the mail and much to his dismay there is a man sleeping in his front yard. (Most of my loyal readers have not been to my house, but I grew up on a cul de sac in nice suburb of Atlanta. My best comparison, think Jude and Ward Cleavers neighborhood. There is no traffic and people do not walk down our street. The police only roll through once a year when they make a wrong turn. I am trying to say we live in a really safe quiet area.)

Anyways there is this well dressed man asleep in the grass. (For future references remember my father’s three loves: His faith, America, and lawn care.) My father comes unglued at the sight of this man. He politely walks over and shakes him.

Dad: “Sir you need to get off my lawn.”
Man: “No man. I am tired just let me sleep,”
Dad: “Look you can sleep all you want. Just get off my lawn.”
Man: “Come on just let me sleep.”
Dad: “If you don’t get off my lawn I am going to call the police.”
Man: “Go ahead and call the police. What are they going to do?”

Sure enough the police roll up about ten minutes later to save my father’s precious lawn (In his defense, it is Kentucky Fescue). Moments later, they slap the man in cuffs. “Sir thank you so much for helping us catch this criminal. He just robbed a local convenience store and he is wanted for murder.”

Later that evening the local news came to interview my father.

Reporter: “You are an average citizen who caught a criminal. How do you feel?”
Dad: “I just wanted him off my lawn.”

My point: You could serve life in prison if you touch his grass.

More quotes from my father

Anonymous said...
oh, Andy we could compile another top 10 quotes by Dad.

1. Shug, I am sorry I did not mean to make you sterile.
2. Anyone within child bearing age, please get against the wall (not lying and that also happened in the same evening as #1.
3.You numus. (Is that how you even spell numus? What is numus? oh gross, I just blew out some numus)
4. huh huh-it is shut down time. Who is shutting down? Are we robots by chance?
5. Are you going to eat that???
6. Shug, bubb-just 1 more thing. Dad, my house is on fire!!! But, Shug, just 1 more thing I need to tell you.
7. Are you done with that bath water, I think I will use it now.
8. Regardless of the rumors-you cannot grow warts or go blind by masturbation.
9. Would you like to go to the Thunderbird motel for a little talk?
10. Found on an index card: weigh naked on scale every night.

My point: He is dropping too many gems to remember.

Softball

I am a little embarrassed to admit this, but I used to play on a traveling softball team.  Every weekend we would travel all over Georgia to play in various tournaments.  I picked up some great stories during these years. There was the time we had to forfeit a game because two of our outfielders got drunk at a strip club in the middle of a double header.  Or the guy who hooked up with a girl in the stands and found out later she was his first cousin. [Donnie]

Then something reminded me of this one.  One weekend we decided to pick up a few females and play in a co-ed tournament.  For some reason, this redneck on my team felt the need to yell out "fat pitch" every time the opposing pitcher would lob a good pitch to hit.  I don't know why he did this, but it went on for about four innings until the opposing pitcher, who was a female, snapped.  In a fit of rage she came running into our dugout and started yelling with tears streaming down her face, "I am sick and tired of you calling me a fat b%&ch."

My point: She might have been pregnant.

Celine Dion or Cher?

Would you rather be Celine Dion or Cher? I don't know if its possible for me pick between the two. Actually, I don't know if I want to.

Strike one against Mrs. Dion, she is a hockey loving Canadian. However, Cher was the biker mom in the movie Mask with the son who had elephant's face disease. Point one: Cher.  What's really sad, Cher has probably had about 13 more plastic surgeries. The good news, with some luck and a couple sharp knives Celine might be able to catch her.  Point one: Celine.  Oh, and I hate that "Believe" song Cher sings. You know South Park played it on repeat coupled with crying babies to diffuse a hostage situation. That song will drive you crazy!  Minus one: Cher.  And on top of that Cher likes to shake her naked money maker any chance she gets. Look she has a nice rear end (point), but enough is enough. Then you have Celine who is the queen of Vegas (Watch out Wayne Newton). Oh! and she sang, "All by Myself." Everyone who has seen (and therefore loved) Bridget Jones Diary knows a good box of wine "All by Myself", and a hairbrush can make make you a rock star and set your broken heart free.  Point: Celine.

Based on my last statement it might appear I am Celine Dion fan, but I cannot stand "My Heart Will Go On." It makes me want to puke every time I hear it. Forget the fact I waited in line two hours to see a ship sink just to hear that stupid song for the first time. The human heart cannot go on, that's just life. Minus four: Celine.  By default, I would rather be Cher.

My Point: Celine Dion was named "Vampire Queen" in high school.

Classmates

One semester in college I sat next to a kid named Jesse everyday. Crazy thing, he was a huge Braves fan from North Dakota. I didn't even know people lived in North Dakota, I just thought it was just some crazy idea for a movie. Anyway, Jesse and I would talk about Chipper Jones, John Smoltz, and Greg Maddux. We would talk stats everyday. We were especially excited because the Braves were going to make the playoffs.

On our last day of class I sit down next Jesse as usual.

"Hey Jesse do you want to come over and watch the Braves game tonight?"
"What did you call me?"
"I called you Jesse. Just like every other day."
"Dude my name is Jamie. I can't believe you thought I had a girl's name."

My point: Dude, its not my fault you have a chick's name.

Can you save that?

For years I have called my father cheap, but he claims he is being frugal. His favorite saying, "A man who watches after his pennies doesn't have to worry about his dollars." To save money, he canceled his trash service five years. Now he sneaks his trash out in the stealth of night and throws it away at the nearest dumpster. Last time I checked this was illegal. He has also fished several pieces of furniture out of this same dumpster. Not cheap enough, he goes to a local restaraunt and asks for free bread (and they give it to him.) I have even seen him stop the car to grab a pair of shoes that were laying the in the middle of the highway.

One day my local radio station was asking for stories of cheap people. The best story would win tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. I listened through a couple stories: stealing cable, arguing over coupons, not leaving a tip (Things we've all done.) Well it was my moment to win tickets.

DJ: "Caller you think you have a good story for us?"
Me: "My father is so cheap he would ask my mother to save her bath water."
DJ: "What? Are you telling me your father would use the same bath water as your mom?"
Me: "That's right the same nasty bath water."
DJ: "I don't know if that is cheap or just the nastiest thing I've heard. Are your parents still married?"
Me: "No, I think the dirty bath water was the downfall of their relationship."
DJ: "I hope you like Pearl Jam, because that is the cheapest story I've heard."

My point: That dirty bathwater helped pay for my college tuition. Thanks for the sacrifice, Dad.

Top 10 Gladiator Questions.

Last year at this time I was getting my butt kicked on American Gladiators.

Today I will answer the 10 questions I have been asked most.

10. Q: Did you get to meet Hulk Hogan?

A: Did you watch the show?
9. Q: What were you doing all day?

A: Nothing. I would sit in a tiny room for hours at a time reading a book. Every thirty minutes or so I guy would come know knock on the, “Are you ready? Are you so ready?”
8. Q: What was your favorite event?

A: I really wanted to do Pyramid, but I never got the chance. So I would say the joust… it was as awesome as it looked on TV.
7. Q: What were the other competitors like?

A: For the most part, they were all really nice people. It kind of surprised me.
6. Q: Would you do it all over again?

A: It was only worth it because my friends and family could be there. Without them it wouldn’t have been worth it.
5. Q: What was the best part?

A: Coming back the hotel everyday and spending quality time with my family. We just chill in the hotel and watch movies and I got to hold my one-year old niece every day.
4. Q: What’s been the weirdest part?

A: I think being recognized in public and people telling me that I lost. Sometimes I forget I lost, so thank you for reminding me.
3. Q: How much money did you make?

A: Listen up. I made nothing. NBC didn’t even want to give me a hotel room or $50 a day for food. I think after the surgery (Yes I got hurt on the show, I think I came out in the hole.)
2. Q: What were the gladiators like?

A: They are really down to earth good people. I’ve hung out with them a couple times since the show ended.
1. Q: Was the eliminator really that hard?

A: No it was super easy. I just decided to give up at the last moment and slip on the Travelator.

My point: I would have been a millionaire if it wasn’t for the Travelator.

Guilty Pleasure Crush

I am sure by now everyone remembers my Guilty Pleasure Crush, better known as Sweater Vest. Recently, I was at a party with my girlfriend and thankfully I run into Sweater Vest. My girlfriend thinks it will be hilarious to get some photos of the two of us together... ha ha ha real funny. Well after she finishes using my camera to take some incriminating photos she ditches me. That's right people... my most faithful companion, my wingman, the love of my life ditches me.

This would have been fine, but I got stuck in a conversation with no out. By now I have realized she is not a Guilty Pleasure Crush... now I am just guilty. (Like any great couple we developed an out signal in case we got stuck in an uncomfortable situation. For some reason we chose vigorously grabbing our crotch for this particular party.)

So there I am furiously tugging the bottom of my pants. You would have thought I poured battery acid and gasoline down my underwear. Guilty Pleasure finally looks down at me... "What are you doing?" I'm busted. So I just own it. "Here's the truth Sweater Vest, I have a real bad rash and I'm not sure how I got it." (Where the heck is my girlfriend? The situation is completely uncomfortable because she knows something has gone terribly wrong.)

Finally, my girlfriend shows up to bail me out. "Hey babe, I noticed you scratching your crotch. Is something wrong?"

My point: I don't think so Sweater Vest.

Elmo or Kermit the Frog?

Would you rather be Kermit the Frog or Elmo? No, I am not talking about Tickle Me Elmo. Just plain old Elmo.

You might be asking, "How can this idiot even compare the two? Sure they are both Sesame Street characters, but there is no way anyone would choose to be Elmo." Sure Elmo has that annoying little voice and laughs whenever someone touches him, but he has some good qualities. I don't know what they are, but I'm sure he has at least one. What really bother me about Elmo is the fact I have no idea if he is 5 years old or a creepy thirty year old. You know what they say about Sesame Street characters, "They sure age well."

So the obvious choice is Kermit right? Wrong my friend. Please hear me out. Kermit has been dating Miss Piggy for years and she treats him like trash. She is always yelling at him no matter what. I don't think she is ever grateful for all this little frog has done for her.

Unfortunately, Kermit lacks the self esteem to kick that pig to the curb. Also he has suffered years of emotional abuse at her hooves. I cannot live with his lack of self esteem. I'm sorry Kermit. I know you might provide me with job security, but I can't handle listening to that Prima Donna pig yelling at me the rest of my life.

My Point: Big Bird was living the dream.

slipping and sliding

A couple weeks ago, I was walking down my snow covered street and all of a sudden I see this lady absolutely wipe out. I am sure she was a little embarrassed because she just laid on the ground for a least a minute. Finally, she gets to her feet... and then in blink of an eye she's down again. Poor lady she just lays in the snow like a beetle on its back. I am trying not to laugh, but its free comedy. Groceries are everywhere, but she appears unharmed.

I turn to my girlfriend, "How in the world did that lady fall down twice....." Before I could even finish my sentence I went down for the count. Much like the lady I just laid in the snow. Of course we were dying laughing and I wallowed in the snow for a moment. I gather my senses and pull myself to my feet, but as soon as I get my up I slip and fall again. But on my way down, the fart I was holding in came roaring out. This made us laugh even harder. Thank goodness it was just gas... because this story could have taken a turn for the worse.

Recap: Fall... fart... fall... lose my pride and dignity.

My point: Holding in gas can lead to slippery situations.

RAD

This coming Saturday, I will watch the greatest BMX movie of our generation. In case you are still in the dark, the movie title rhymes with the word sad. That’s right people I am talking about RAD. This movie focuses on Cru Jones who seeks to tackle the toughest BMX track in the world: Hell Track.

I still remember watching this movie when I was 8 years old, right at the height of the BMX bike craze. I don't want to brag, but I had a sick Mongoose. I used to drop some sweet bar spins with. Everyday I would go out and practice all of my new tricks, and I swear to you I could bunny hop at least two feet off the ground. It was RAD.

I almost forgot to mention Bart Conner, a gold medal winner for our American gymnastic team in the 1984 Olympics, also stars in this movie. Lets see Michael Phelps star in the greatest rollerblading movie of our generation.

For your pleasure I have added the opening credits from Rad. After watching tell me you don't want to go out and buy a brand new bike.



My point: Send me an Angel Right Now.

Bunkbeds

I slept in bunk beds for last year of my life and I actually consider it a blessing.

Here are 10 things I learned this past year.

10. Not only men in the military sleep in bunk beds.
9. They increase the desire to sneak out late at night.
8. Top or bottom can lead to serious arguments.
7. Grown women view them as a challenge.
6. They can save you a heap on rent.
5. They are great for hanging posters.
4. Every night you go to bed you feel like an 8th grader at summer camp.
3. When you're an adult bunk beds do not look better with Star Wars sheets.
2. They are not a sign of maturity.
1. They promote abstinence.

My point: Here's to you bunk mate. Thank you for one of the best years of my life.

Knick knacks and creepy dolls

Let me preface this entry by saying I love my step mother. She has been great to my Dad and has served as a second mother to me.

With that said, what is the deal with her knick knacks? They're everywhere. I wouldn't mind her pieces of flair, except for the fact I break at least one every time I go home. I swear she purposely sets them on crooked ledges just to taunt me or dangles them on corners just to watch me squirm.


I really outdid myself on my last visit home. In a span of twenty four hours, I managed to knock the ears off a porcelain rabbit, break some random bird trinket, rip the arm off a stylish pair of reading glasses, and to top it off I ruined the kitchen table.


If this was not enough, I was forced to sleep in the "doll room." Its not called the doll room because there are a zillion dolls. Its called this because of one creepy doll that will stare at you all night. I swear when the moon hits it just right you can almost hear it say, "I want to pull your hair and lick you while you sleep."



My point: Please place this creepy doll in good place to get broken.

T-Ball

Three year old Caleb is just leaning to master the potty and T-Ball in the same year. Let the good times roll.

At his age, every child has a parent on the t-ball field. The parents help the boys play the game. A couple weeks back a teammate was standing on third base and his father starts encouraging the boy, "Run home, run home."

Like a bat out of hell, Caleb's teammate on third base runs into the stands. "Mom.... Mom... hurry... hurry we got to run home. Dad told me we have to run home."

My point: I hope my child listens that well.

Mortician or Prison Guard?

Would you rather be a mortician or a prison guard? I tried to come up with two job I would never want.  I'm really going to have a hard time deciding.

Benefits to being a prison guard: Are there any benefits? Sure you have a job and you get to carry a stick. I don't know if those are benefits, because a janitor gets to do the same thing. You might get to hear some interesting stories from the criminals, but this could cause you to have nightmares. I guess you could get a tower job and your responsible for shooting escaping inmates, but geez then you have to kill someone.

Growing up my neighbor was a mortician and he looked the part. Real pale, horn rimmed glasses, bad teeth (we are from Georgia) and slick black hair. He even told me it was his dream in life to be a mortician... what!?! Its not like his family owned a funeral home. No, he was just creepy.

So now I am left to decide. I am going to pick being a mortician in a really really small town. That way I only have to look at a dead body like twice a month. I figure this will give me time to cleanse my soul.

My point: Your job could always be worse.

April Fools

I'm sure someone will pull the wool over my eyes today, but today I have a joke pulled by my nephew.

Five year old Gus, took Grandpa (My father, better known as Pako) down to the creek to throw rocks.

Gus: "Pako will you find me some good rocks to throw?"
Paco: "I sure will. Let Paco get down in the creek and look."

Well Paco starts scrambling around the water looking for rocks for Gus. Next thing my father knows somethings splashes in the water. Well there are water snakes all over the place where we're from. Paco slips trying to get out of the water. His heart is beating a million miles per minute. He is convinced there is a Cottonmouth in the water.

Gus: "Paco, what is it?"
Paco: "Gus, there's some wooly bugger in the water that tried to get Paco."

All of sudden Gus starts dying laughing, "No Paco I threw a rock in the water to scare you."

My point: I was 10 years old before I learned this trick.

New Year's resolution

I am not one to come up with resolutions, but here goes. I am going to officially admit that I am a Justin Timberlake fan.

My point: JT is my favorite SNL guest host.