Aquaman or Elastic Man?

Would you rather be Aquaman or Elastic Man?

Pros for Aquaman:
1. He rules the ocean.
2. Not too many villians are fighting out in the sea.
3. He lives rent free.
4. He has no competition.
5. He is free of political corruption.

Cons:
1. He rules the ocean.
2. He has limited dating options.
3. He doesn't have a loyal sidekick.
4. He can't lay on the beach and soak in the sun.
5. He has a lot of free time.

Pros for Elastic Man.
1. He can reach anything on anything shelf.
2. He can literally be in two places at once.
3. He's great at multi-tasking in two different countries.
4. He can give multiple hugs at one time.
5. He is a great kisser.

Cons:
1. People are always asking for favors.
2. Stretch marks.
3. He gets wrapped up in too many things.
4. The pressure of work and family stretches him to thin.
5. His arm has been mistaken for Salt Water Taffy.

My point: I go with Elastic Man, because Aquaman's best friend is a freaking shark.

Wikihow

I have another confession today: I love Wikihow.

Just yesterday someone asked me for advice as to how to date a U.S. Navy Sailor.
Bam…. http://www.wikihow.com/Date-a-US-Navy-Sailor

I have been interested in my fiancé for years, but I did not what to do until I read….
http://www.wikihow.com/Discussion:Get-a-Girl-to-Like-You Within two weeks of reading this article we were engaged to be married.

After finishing my masters, I had a hard time finding a job. Lucky for me I came across… http://www.wikihow.com/Get-a-Job

My point: I am reading http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Six-Pack-Abs to prepare for my upcoming honeymoon.

Just Pipe Down

Why do people feel the need to say stupid things at funerals?

At my grandfather’s funeral… “Andy, I know your grandfather would have loved to been here today.”

At my nephews funeral… “Obviously Jesus wanted him more in heaven.”

At our family friend’s funeral… “Well Jim made really good chili…I guess Jesus just had a hankering for chili.”

My point: Like mom said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, shut up.”

Don't do these

I have compiled a list of ten things Christians shouldn’t do on a first date.
1. Don’t rent a motel room….not even a real classy one.
2. Don’t make a mix cd or heaven forbid a mix tape…even if it has some great songs by Color me Bad and Prince
3. Don’t talk about names for your baby…even if you want to name your child something like Hawk…speaking of I am hoping to have little Tarzan babies wearing nothing but loin clothe diapers…wait who am I kidding they are going to buck naked with quasi jungle mullets.
4. Don’t ask someone to coffee and then expect to go ring shopping…yes people this does happen.
5. Don’t take someone to a wedding…especially if it’s your x fiance’s…even if you think there is a chance you might get back together.
6. At dinner don’t say, “we should go halfsies…because I don’t see the relationship leading to marriage.” By the way after you break up with someone don’t tell them that the relationship was a bad financial decision.
7. Don’t tell someone, “we are predestined to be together”…by the way I did vomit when I heard this the first time.
8. Don’t talk about being sexually frustrated…why we are on the subject…why is that Christians think the first time they have sex it’s going to be the best event of their lives…they imagine rainbows, pots of gold, and Care Bears passing out gummy worms. I have been told there are no gummy worms.
9. Don’t say you looked better on your e-Harmony photo…even if that’s true.
10. Don’t ask to see pictures of the x boyfriend or girlfriend….and for you fellas if you do see the picture don’t say “I am way better looking than that guy.” Even if it’s true…for the record I was better looking.

My point: Dating at Christian College is like a terrible Soap Opera with morals.

I got nothing else.

(This happened to a buddy of mine in high school. On his birthday none the less. The police called me thinking I did it as joke. it would have been a good joke.)

See that car, see what a big piece of crap it is? Notice the 3 different colors. If you were to look at the car closely you could see the car was combined from two pieces of junk to make one car that was a little less crappy. Well that piece of junk car is mine, seeing as how it's a big piece of crap I never lock the doors. I mean, no one would want to steal my car, and there is nothing of value in the car to steal.... Or so I thought.

You seemed to think my crappy stereo was worth money. This is the kind of stereo you can find in the trash or at garage sales. You can buy one at the junkyard for $5.00. It has no resale value so why did you steal it? Did you not notice that you have to adjust the station by turning a knob with your fingers? Jeez man, you coulda found more change in between the cushions than what the stereo is worth.

Now I have to drive to the MARTA station with no stereo, only listening to my loud mufflerless exhaust. I'm gonna have to start looking in the trash or at Goodwill for another stereo. I would appreciate it if you could return my stereo or a similar one. If you want to be generous then steal a good one and put it in my car.

Asking for another stereo is probably too much so the thing that I really want back is the adapter that was in the tape deck, it allows you to hookup a portable CD player to the stereo. I was going to take that into work on Monday so I could play some CDs on the tape player.

You know what my car looks like, its the VW Fox that is 3 colors. It is the only one there from Georgia. So if you are there stealing stuff again please return some of my stuff.

Thank you,
Mr. Howard

Great game or great career?

Would you rather have one great year in the NFL, win the Super Bowl, the MVP, and never play again or have a great 15 year career but never even make the playoffs?

This might sound crazy, but I chose the 15 year career. Why? Because for 15 years I am getting paid to play professional football. If I am smart I invest the money and never have to work again. Who care if no one remembers me? Every year I am playing I have a shot at the playoffs and there is the hope. I see all positives to this scenario and no negative.

If you're one and done you're whole life you'll be hearing, "Oh man do you remember when you won the Super Bowl?" I would rather have won nothing at all if that was the case.

My point: I would have done it too if it wasn't for those meddling kids.

Dreams

Recently I have been going through a series of disappointing dreams. What do I mean? I am not talking about nightmares or waking up and realizing my dreams aren’t true. I am talking about the fact I haven’t even been in my dreams lately. What?!? Someone needs to talk to my subconscious.

What is the point of dreaming if I am not in my own dreams? Has my life become so disappointing subconsciously I don’t even want to make an effort to be in my dream? Or have all of my dreams been fulfilled? Therefore, making it impossible to actually have dreams.

My point: What does Brad Pitt dream about?

Christianese

Often Christians, myself included, will use religious phrases or sayings we think the whole world understands.
Urban dictionary defines these phrases as Christianese: A communicable language within the Christian subculture with words and phrases created; redefined, and / or patented that applies only to the Christian sphere of influence.

Or

Christianese is the language spoken by Christians. It makes no sense to anyone unfamiliar with biblical texts, but earns you major points in the eyes of other Christians, because it means your words are ultra holy.

Here are some of my favorite Christian terms:

Backsliding- a term used for a Christian who has started giving into worldly temptations.

Everyone we need to pray for poor little Jenny, she has really started backsliding. I heard this past week she kissed two different boys and bought the new T-Pain album. Bless her poor heart; she doesn’t know right from wrong.

Fire Insurance – a slang term for accepting Jesus Christ as your Savior, thus saving you from hell.

I don’t want to pressure anyone tonight, but there are many people in this room who are backsliding and I want to offer you Fire Insurance. Your salesman tonight will be none other than Jesus Christ.

For more info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christianese
http://www.geocities.com/changes1611/christianese.html

Or go to http://www.tastyfaith.com for your urban youth needs

My point: Someone needs to create Wikihow page of how to speak Christianese.

Worst and stupidest injuries

Today I will admit it. I'm accident prone. Therefore, I will share my 10 worst or stupidest injuries/accidents.

10. Somehow I didn't die after this one, but I wrapped my Toyota Camry around a tree going 70 miles an hour. The injury... I swear to you all I did was fracture my nose.
9. Recently I slipped and fell on the ice and torn the cartilage in my knee. (It will be knee surgery number 4 on my left knee.)
8. Playing soccer lead to two more major knee surgeries. I was playing Rec League. Freaking Rec League. I never got hurt in high school or college.
7. I started playing rugby in college 6 months after I tore my first ACL. In a span of three months I received 2 concussions, a couple nice scars, and I tore my rotator cuff... whoops.
6. Jumped up in a room with a short ceiling... you guessed it split my head wide open. 15 stitches.
5. Re-tore my ACL. I was playing in the big snowboard park. I hit the jump and needed to clear about 40 feet I cleared 38 feet and landed on top of the jump. Whammo... blew my ACL again.
4. Torn my labrum (something in your shoulder) performing on American Gladiators.
3. At five years old I was convinced I was Superman. Therefore, I dove off the top of my stairs, not once but twice. Over the course of two weeks I had to get 20 stitches.
2. My brother was burning weeds in the backyard, little did he know he was burning poison ivy. In case you don't know, you can inhale the smoke and oils from this nasty little beast. The next day 99% of my body was covered in a nasty rash. We are talking eyes, throat, and even under the toe nails. Ooooh that might be number one, but it wasn't really my fault. Also my brother and sisters aren't even allergic to the stuff.
1. I dropped into a Superpipe (A snowboard half pipe with 16-20 foot walls.) and woke up in the hospital. I had a severe concussion, amnesia, and I broke the bone that holds your eye in place.

My point: Is it fair I just broke my fibula?

I'm a gambler

Recently I gambled and lost. (Matter of fact I gambled and lost twice in the same day.) In response to this embarrassing situation I give you this.

To the woman that pooped in my car... (NE Portland)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it
could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever
been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of
Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was
a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked
forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just
happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't
feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that
said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny,
not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I
did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my
uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of
the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they
call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for pooping your
pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other
hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a
heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more
than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in
fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you pooped yourself on purpose to end the evening
early...Touché...**

Sat on by an Elephant?

Would you rather be sat on by an elephant or eaten by a lion?

Originally, I chose being sat on by an elephant. I figured that fat son of gun would kill me in one fail swoop. Bam its over. No laying around bleeding to death. As my father would say, "Man he was deader than a door nail" or "he ain't nothing but a grease spot."

Then I got to thinking (I know scary thought.). What was I doing to be sat on by an elephant?

If I was mauled by a lion, I must being doing something awesome at the time. Hopefully, I was running around the jungle in a loin clothe teaching my sons Hawk, Tarzan, and Bear how to hunt. If that's the case I am definitely choosing being eaten alive by a lion.

My point: No one wants to be killed by an animal at the zoo.

Church Mascot

At the first church I ever worked for, I was known for one bad idea a week. One of my better ideas, at least in my mind, was a church mascot.

If we got a mascot and we encouraged other churches to get them as well we could start a rivalry. There might be nights when youth groups would steal each others mascots. It could build moral in times when we struggle with our faith. It could increase your church pride.

I also suggested we could get animals that were multi-purpose. For example, if we got a camel we could use it in the nativity scene. It could also be a great draw for Vacation Bible School.

However, I wanted to pick an animal that would strike fear into my opponents. At first I liked the Cougars, but then I was afraid about what people this might attract. So I decided on the Grizzlies. How legit would it be if your church kept a mascot in the sanctuary?

My point: We need to think outside the box.

Should I?

I was at the gas station recently and this homeless woman approached me.

Her: "Hey, buy me some sparks."
Me: "I am not going to give you money for cigarettes".
Her: "Not cigarettes. Sparks its an energy drink." (Yeah its an energy drink that comes premixed with alcohol.)
Me: "So you want me to buy you some energy drink?"
Her: "No I'll give you the money and you can even keep the change."
Me: "Why don't you buy it yourself?"
Her: "Well the store kicked me out for fighting."

After hassling with her for another couple minutes, I decide to be the Good Samaritan and buy the drinks for her. However, she shorted me about a dollar. So in the end I spent some of my money on alcohol for a homeless woman. I am not sure what that says about my character.

After giving the woman her drinks she says, "You're going to be in my prayers tonight. You're like my guardian angel."

My point: I am trying to share the love of Christ one drink at a time.

Top 10

I don't know about you, but I've a zillion jobs. So today I give you the list of my 10 worst jobs.

10. Stand up comedian (Let's see, you're baring your soul and people are yelling at you. It can be the worst experience of your life.)
9. Snow removal (Its just freaking cold and sucks.)
8. Dog Sitter (Just read this post.)
7. Bouncer/ Doorman (How did I get this job? I weighed about 150 pounds at the time.)
6. Security for Concerts (People spit in your face.)
5. Personal Trainer at a corporate gym. (Paying for a trainer does not automatically mean you are going to look better naked. Hint: You need to exercise and change your diet.)
4. Snowboard instructor for 3 year old kids. (This should be a great job, until you lose a kid.)
3. Drug and Alcohol counselor for teenagers. (This job should be rewarding, until a 16 year old kid bites you.)
2. Envelope stuffer for a mail order company. (Till this day I am not sure what the company sold, but I am pretty sure I was paid $3 dollars an hour.)
1. Umpire for a men's softball league. (Seriously this was the worst. These guys complained about everything. Here's all I am going to say... freaking swing the bat and get in shape.)

My point: Work is overrated. I have done it for years and still don't really understand what's happening.

Levels of Flirting

What are the levels of flirting? How many levels are there? When you pass the final level of flirting what happens?

I have decided there are five levels of flirting.

1. Level one is all about initial presence. You need to put yourself in a target rich environment. (For example a communications class where it is 98% female.) (Or for the ladies join a fantasy sports league.)
2. Level two is all about non - verbal clues. Wearing cute clothes. Shameless eye contact. Playing with your hair. Maybe showing off at a sporting event (We’ve all done it. You swing the bat a little harder. Maybe jump a little higher. Just hoping the opposite sex is watching.)
3. Level three is all about statements. “I’ve heard I am a bad kisser, do you know an expert who can give me advice?” “Do these pants look good on my butt?” “We should run away to Mexico… I’m just kidding… but seriously.”
4. Level four is all about physical touch. Please get your mind out of the gutter. I am talking about some G-Rated touching. (The shoulder graze. Or the arm feel, followed by a comment like, “Have you been working out?”)
5. Level five is some combination of the previous 4 levels multiplied by five. This might include cute clothes, touching, and maybe actually running away to Mexico.

My point: Don’t be fooled by the mysterious level 6. It does not exist.

Boring?

A friend was dating this guy recently and for some reason the relationship ended as quickly as it started.

Me: "What happened?"
Her: "He was boring."
Me: "Geez that is the kiss of death. I would rather be anything, but boring."
Her: "Yeah I know... I can only talk about early British authors for so long."
Me: "Oooh gah... that is awful... I would rather be called an egotistical jerk than boring. Man that is the kiss of death."

Would you rather be called a self consumed egotistical jerk or boring?

I would choose the jerk any day of the week, because at least I have a personality. I might not have any friends, but at least people will remember me. If you're boring, you've got nothing. Imagine if you are boring and an unattractive. I am sorry if you are reading this blog and you fit into either of these categories.

My point: That psycho x boyfriend doesn't look so bad now.

I'm going to tell

My parents swear I only wet my bed twice in my entire life. Sure they might be lying to inflate my bladder’s ego, but I’ll take it.

Here’s one time I’ll never forget. My father took me on a Boy Scouts camping trip to Cumberland Caverns (It’s a cave in Tennessee). The next morning I woke up in sleeping bag full of urine. Sure this was embarrassing for several reasons. Number one: I was twelve years old. Number two: my father had placed our sleeping bags right near the area where everyone ate breakfast. Number three: He placed plastic underneath our bags to protect them from the moist ground (Note to self: Plastic serves as a collector for urine.) Number four: The pool of urine decided to infiltrate our clean clothes. Number five: There was no bathroom or shower close by. Number six: A Girl Scout troop had come set up camp right next to us after we went to bed. One of the girls smelled the urine and noticed my soaked camos. “Oh my gosh he peed his pants. I can’t believe he peed his pants.” Thankfully my father came to my rescue, “don’t worry ladies I think he’s finished now, but we do have a nice pool if you want to use it.”

My point: I hate you Thin Mints and your stupid friends.

My old Church

Before I took my latest job, I used to work at a place called Church of the Big Wood. No, we're not the official church for people in the adult film industry. We're not sponsored by Viagra or another male enhancement product. Yes, we are a Christian church. In case you're wondering, we are the butt of several jokes.

Here is the craziest thing. The church didn't see anything wrong with the church name because we were located on the Big Wood River. That's all fine and well, but do we really need to advertise on the church bus.

One day at staff meeting, I suggested we remove Big Wood from the bus. I was hoping for something more PC like PCBW (Presbyterian Church of the Big Wood).

Their response: "Not everybody's mind is in the gutter."

Are you kidding me? Y'all might be the only people without your mind in the gutter. So I took it a step further. I called my father on speaker phone.

Me: "Dad when you hear Big Wood, what do you think of?"
Dad: "I think of a huge bo...."
Me: "Alright dad that's all I needed to know."
Dad: "You should tell those people at church after surgery I was scared I wouldn't be able to get the Big W...."
Me: "Alright thanks for your input Dad. I'll be sure to tell them."

My point: Don't blame me for having my mind in the gutter.

February Top 10

Here are my interesting facts about February

10. In Welsh, its known as the short month. (Poor fella suffers from short month syndrome.)
9. During the time of Shakespeare, it was called Feverell. (Not to be confused with a '69 Chevelle complete with racing stripes.)
8. Did anyone know February 2nd is called Candlemas Day? (Or did you know I was on my high school Winterfest Court in February of 1996?)
7. February 12-14th are considered borrowed days from January. (Is there a return policy?)
6. Lent begins in February. I am going to give up being successful... well that was easy.
5. Darwin was born on the 12th of this month. (Thanks for ruining the creation story for everyone in Georgia.)
4. February 2nd is Ground Hogs Day. (Who picks this special ground hog anyways? Is there a committee?)
3. The third Monday is President's Day, which means a lot of idiots skiing and snowboarding in blue jeans and stupid hats.
2. On the 6th of this month, the great Babe Ruth was born. Without him we would not have the joy of a Baby Ruth candy bar. Here's to you Sultan of Swat.
1. Valentines day... was started by angry x-girlfriend named Susan Hallmark.

My point: February is a baby compared to the month of March.

Have you been drinking?

I was at the local bar a couple weeks ago watching the NFL playoffs, when this guy who had been over served (aka drunk) struck up a conversation with me. I proceeded to tell him I worked for a local church. He about fell out of his seat with excitement. “Oh man I have been dying to go to church since I moved here. What time are your services?” I give him the times, but I do not expect him to come or to remember. Despite his current state, he emphatically promised to be at second service the very next day.

Much to my surprise, he was at second service the very next day. Except for the fact he showed up thirty minutes early. During this thirty-minute window he proceeded to tell the senior pastor we had gotten drunk together the day before and I must have forgotten the time of service. (Interesting theory: I was on time for service and he was not. Additionally, I cannot remember having a drop of alcohol the day before. However, this could be a sign of an alcoholic.)

My point: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Too bad this doesn’t include the unemployment line.