Bachelor party?

Tonight my brother is throwing my bachelor party. I know most people imagine this wild time with tons of alcohol and a couple of bad decisions. Oh not me. We are going to dinner and baseball. I can assure you I'll be the DD. Why?

Well... at my brother's bachelor party I accidentally broke his thumb. How do you explain that to mom?

Or how about this bachelor party?

I fly into Vegas for an acquaintance's party. The guys decide they want to start the evening off with a nice dinner. I am thinking Morton's Steak House. Maybe a nice Sushi Bar. Somehow we go to Denny's. I am pretty sure I had the Grand Slam.

Then the boys are all fired up about going to see some naked women. (OOOOOH I'm so excited.) Well in Vegas you can go for all nude/ no alcohol or topless/ full bar. They choose full nude. With our $30 entry, which I paid for the groom, I get all the Coca Cola I can drink. I am not into strippers... so I sit at the Coca Cola bar and drink til my heart is content.

Well after 15 minutes, the boys decide they need some alcohol. For the night I am down $70 already. We pile into a cab and head to a top less bar. Once again I am left footing the bill for the groom. This time I am only out $40 for the two of us, but wait there is a two drink minimum. Are you kidding me? Now I'm down another $30.

Where do I go? The crowded bar so I can get away from the dancers and the sweaty men. I hate this experience. The girls keep coming into the bar... I make up excuse after excuse not to talk to them. Did I mention I am not into this?

After an hour we leave this bar. Now the plan has gone really bad. The boys decide we should gamble all night. One problem we have a 9 AM tee time.

Oh yes, we manage to gamble til 5 in the morning. I forgot this part as well, 8 guys staying in one hotel room with double beds.

At the end of the night, every guy except me had blown all of his money for the trip. One guy was down two thousand dollars, this wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't up five thousand.

What did we do for a next couple days in Vegas? We lived off buffets and free attractions.

My point: I love baseball and BBQ.

Nightmare?

Last night, I woke up at 4:30 because I was having a terrible dream. I am getting married in a couple days, but I was not worried or scared about that. I wasn't running from the police. I was even falling off a roof.

So what scared me so bad? For some reason, I had overbooked myself for Monday. Originally, I had planned on going to my poker job at 5 o'clock (I don't even have a poker job anymore). This would have been fine if I didn't have to work at the restaurant until 7 o'clock. When did I get a job at a restaurant? Wait there's more I scheduled a doctor's appointment at 1 in the afternoon. Why do I need to go to the doctor? What's wrong with me?

Oh no... there is no way to fix this problem. My life is over.

My point: I need to talk to the Sandman about my dreams.

Top 10 from In Living Color

Blast from the Past... my Top 10 favorite sketches from in Living Color. Remember this is where J-Lo got her start.

10. Men on Film (Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier) ... "the yet unheard of Zorro snap, in Z formation!"
9. Handi Man (Damon Wayans) Totally unpolitically correct.
8. Homey D. Clown (Damon Wayans) An ex-con plays a clown.... "I don't think so... Homey don't play that!"
7. Great Moments in Black History... One sketch showed the invention of Jheri Curl: It involved an oil leak and Jiffy lube.
6. East Hollywood Squares... A little factoid: A majority of Hollywood is a dump.
5. Duke (Jamie Foxx) Has a dead dog (Duke) who does tricks... and think Mr. Foxx won an Oscar for his role in Ray.
4. Homeboy Shopping Network... coined the phrase "Mo' Money, mo money."
3. Wanda (Jamie Foxx) The ugliest woman in the world. In one episode Dracula runs into the light just get away from her ugliness.
2. Vero de Milo (Jim Carrey) A steroid abusing female body builder. Are there any other kind?
1. Fire Marshall Bill (Jim Carrey) ... "Let me show you something."

Really?

Have y'all seen the Hyundai commercial that promises to pay your car payments if you lose your job? They will even take the car back with no penalty or damage to your credit. They close the commercial with this tag line, "We're all in this together."

Really? Last time I checked Hyundai has done nothing for me. I am sharing a car with my fiance, because we can't afford two. If Hyundai had my back, wouldn't they give us a car?. If they are trying to help me out why are they pushing us to buy a car I can't afford? An action that would force us further into debt.

My point: Hyundai what are you giving us for a wedding gift?

Winnie the Pooh or Christopher Robin

Would you rather be Winnie the Pooh or Christopher Robin?

Well Christopher Robin is a human, which definitely has its perks. Also he has a catchy phrase, "You silly bear." However, his best friend is a talking bear who runs around half dressed eating honey all the time.

Winnie the Pooh, is the half dressed friend. Yet no one seems to care about his clothing or his poor diet choices. Matter of fact, he is quite the popular bear as he gets to hang with Piglet, Roo, Eeyore, and Tigger. On second thought, Tigger does get a little annoying and Eeyore always feels sorry for himself. Yet, he does have his wise friend Owl at his side.

It was a tough decision, but I choose to be Winnie the Pooh.

My point: Wearing pants is overrated.

Don't say that

I have a hard time with filtering my comments. I am often accused of diarrhea of the mouth. Needless to say, I will always make an inappropriate comment at the wrong time.

This past Sunday at church, a older woman in our congregation asked a little girl, "Did you get some booty on Easter?"

I shoot back, "I sure did."

I received quite a few nasty looks, but is it my fault she used the word booty? Why couldn't she have said candy or eggs?

My point: I can't always be held responsible.

Summer Vacation

Every summer my family would pile into our wood paneled Station Wagon for vacation. Being the youngest, I was destined to sit in the very back (you know the place for the spare tire). Being by myself, I had to figure out ways to entertain myself.

Well one summer I had the genius idea to sharpen my finger nails using a manual pencil sharpener. I envisioned these awesome pointy fingernails that resembled something belonging to an evil villain.

As you can image, with one crank my finger was spurting blood. Some how I was old enough to know not to tell my Dad, but still dumb enough to do it. I grab a page out of my coloring book and tightly wrap it around my finger.

When we finally get to our destination, I do what any other eight year old would do… I blame my older brother.

My point: I would have looked awesome with pointy fingernails.

Top 10 80's TV shows

My father would only allow me to watch 3 hours of TV a week and we didn't have cable. Therefore, part of this list was completed with the help of reruns.

10. ALF... An Alien who ate cats had his own TV show. That's why I love America.
9. Family Ties... Did you ever see the one with Tom Hanks playing their creepy alcoholic uncle who tried to get drunk on cough syrup? I think it was Tom Hanks... oh well.
8. Webster ... I think he died from eating Pop Rocks while drinking Coca Cola.
7. Silver Spoons ... He had a freaking TRAIN in his house.
6. Growing Pains ... You got to love shifty ole Mike Seaver. (see Fireproof!)
5. The Cosby Show... J-E-L-L-O
5. Magnum PI... Tom Selleck single handily made the mustache cool.
4. Knight Rider... Forget Hasselhoff... The car could freaking talk!
3. Dukes of Hazzard ... It took place in Georgia.
2. A-Team... "First name Mr, middle name 'period', last name T!"
1. Golden Girls... I don't care if you're laughing. Here's a favorite quote, "Condoms Rose, condoms, condoms, condoms."

Fireproof?

For months I have been hearing "You have to see Fireproof." You know, it's Kirk Cameron's new movie. So, for months I have been putting it off. Why? I can't handle watching another cheesy Christian movie where every other phrase is targeted to the Christian audience. After a while I can only handle so much Christianese. When you finally sit down to watch the film, you know how its going to play out: hold onto to your faith and you will triumph over your evil opponents.

Well excuse me, but I have been a Christian my entire life and my life never plays out like a Christian movie or a Christian romance novel (yes those do exist). Yes, I believe my faith will lift me up in times of darkness. Yes, I believe Jesus is the only way to heaven. However, I don't think my faith is going to allow my high school football team to win the state championship.

Sorry, someone placed something that looked like a soapbox underneath my feet. Anyways, I watched Fireproof last week and its worth seeing. You heard me correctly! It gives a powerful message not to give up on marriage. It doesn't place marriage on a pedestal, as most Christians do. Fireproof shows marriage is hard work. There are going to be times when you don't want to stick it out, but the commitment is what is important.

My point: Don't try to make out during this film.

Top Gun or Braveheart

Would you rather be Tom Cruise in Top Gun or Mel Gibson in Braveheart?

In his film, Cruise was witty, heroic, in great shape, handsome, and looked legit riding a motorcycle. Additionally, he had a Kenny Loggins theme song.

Unfortunately, Mel Gibson lost the love of his life and had to run around fighting people wearing a skirt. Also, there was no Kenny Loggins theme song.

With all this being said, I still choose to be Gibson playing William Wallace. I don’t care he if he was wearing a skirt, he killed tons of people with a single swing of his sword. Also Wallace never had a chance to ride a motorcycle.

My point: True these are both great movies they feature on Spike, but I don’t know if there is a day on this green earth I would choose to be Tom Cruise over Mel Gibson.

Oatmeal

For three straight years, I ate oatmeal for breakfast everyday. Why? I don't know why. I hate oatmeal... I hate the way it tastes, the way it looks, and the way it smells. Yet, I would still eat it everyday.

I don't care how much brown sugar you put on it... its still oatmeal.

You may think this is stupid, but you do the same thing everyday when you hop into your crappy Pontiac Grand Prix. You curse that car everyday, but yet you still drive it. Why? Because you refuse to do anything about it.

Worse than that, some of you say this about your significant other. I hate the way they look, they way they feel, and especially the way they taste. Yet you'll do nothing about it. I don't care how much brown sugar you use... its not going to make it any better.

My point: I'm complaining about oatmeal... I love my significant other without the brown sugar and raisins.

Voice like an angel

An elderly woman approached me after church last week to tell me I had a beautiful voice.

Me: "Oh thank you very much, but I am quite certain it wasn't me."
Her: "Darling you don't need to be modest, you have the voice of an angel."
Me: "An angel? I can assure you that was not me. I sound like drunk country music singer."

My point: I love it when old people lie to me.

Ode to Board games

I still love board games... so today I provide my 10 favorite games from when I was a kid.

10. Scotland Yard... This was a great game that no one ever wanted to play.
9. Hungry Hungry Hippos... No skill involved.
8. Fireball Island... I'm providing a link because you forgot about this one.
7. Battleship... The best part was setting up the board.
6. Operation... I never could remove the funny bone.
5. Life... I played this game a zillion times and it did not prepare me for life.
4. Monopoly... Don't be a hater, this game is legit. Even if you won't sell me Boardwalk.
3. Stratego ... Oh you don't remember this one... well might I suggest Ed's Stratego Site.
2. Risk... Was definitely not Cold War friendly.
1. Clue... Colonel Mustard with a lead pipe in the Guest Bathroom. Take that Mrs. Peacock.

My point: Why couldn't life be more like a board game.

Where did you go?

I dedicate today's blog to McGruff the Crime Dog. I am wondering what happened to him?

Did he punch his ticket to the big dog kennel in the sky? Was he hit by a car while chasing a crime lead? Did someone take him down to the local vet and put him to sleep?

My point: Our society needs more talking dogs who fight crime.

Leprechaun or Easter Bunny?

Would you rather be a leprechaun or the Easter Bunny?

The Easter Bunny is a commercialized representation of the resurrection of Christ, but this is not enough to sway me. Jesus works all year, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There is no one day for the Messiah. Yet, the Bunny only has to work one day a year. Sure this is appealing to work only one day and still get paid for the entire year. However, I cannot in good conscience choose to be the Bunny.

Now I am left with being a Leprechaun. I don’t even know that much about being a leprechaun, but I can see some benefits. Two bonuses: Great work clothes and the chance the travel world on rainbows. They also have their own cereal. Let’s see the Bunny top that. Oh wait... TRIX.

However, I do have questions? When they’re not guarding the pot of gold, what are they doing? Are there groups of Chauns who hang out together? Do they work rainbows on a rotating shift? Do they get a cut of the gold they are guarding?

My point: We need a union to stop the exploitation of Leprechauns.

Going to College?

When I turned 18, I wasn't really interested in college. I had my heart set on becoming a mechanic a the local Ford Dealership. I thought making $40,000 a year was living the dream.

Here was my father's advice, "Son if you wake up at 30 years old and you have your name embroidered on your shirt it means you didn't make it life."

Which reminds me of a guy who I used to work with at the repair shop. The name embroidered on his shirt "Tarl". Tarl was about 35 years old and lived with his parents and his 18 year old girlfriend. We affectionately called him Carl with a "T" We would would call him on the intercom, "Excuse Carl with a "T" you have a call on line one."

My point: What was Tarl short for Tarlton?

Editors Note: A number of people have the first name "Tarl", much to the surprise of each of us. Many are named after the principal character in a science fiction series - Tarl Cabot, in the Tarnsman of Gor series by John Norman. I'm not - I first heard about the series as a teenager and first read them in college. I've determined that I was named eight years before John Norman published his first book.

Does anyone know?

How many of y'all know how I met my college roommate?

When I 16 years old, I was a reckless speeder who had no respect for the cops. Anyways, I was cruising to the high school football game and I just felt the urge to go 30 over the speed limit. Bam... cop hits me with the radar gun and flips on the blues.

For some reason I try to outrun the cop. I cut off the first street I come to with the hopes I can lose the cops in the local neighborhoods. As I am pressing the peddle to the metal, I see my future college roommate practice driving with his dad.

We are only acquaintances, but I start yelling, "Hurry block the road there is a cop behind me."
I can hear his dad, "You better not block that road."

Against his father's wishes my future roomy blocks the road, but a second too late. The cop swerved to miss him and ends up catching me a couple blocks later.

My point: Never take the first turn off when running from the cops.

Top 10 worst Actors

I am not going to pick on the ladies this week, but lets face it people there are some horrible actors out there.

10. Pauly Shore... first strike he is Canadian. Second strike he was in Bio Dome.
9. Nicolas Cage... look he has been in some decent films, but did anyone see Bangkok Dangerous?
8. David Hasselhoff... he wears t shirts that say don't hassel the Hoff.
7. Paul Walker... I liked Fast and the Furious, but he can't play the same character every movie.
6. Vin Diesel... the guy is in good shape. We get it already.
5. Steven Seagal... of yes he has won a Razzie and has been nominated for a couple others.
4. Colin Farrel... This guy seems to have talent, but he is always in bad movies.
3. Jean Claude Van Damme... He might seem like an easy target, but he is still making movies (seriously go to IMDB).
2. Keanu Reeves... He's so bad I can't even rank him number 1 in this list.
1. Carrot Top... That's right my friends, you forgot about this guy.

My point: I'm the sucker because I'll still go see their movies.

Opening Day

Today is opening day of the Major League Baseball season. I know many of you might not care, but it is one of my favorite days of the year. It is the day that all major league teams are equals and my Atlanta Braves have a chance to once again be World Series Champions.

In honor of this day, I have complied ten of my favorite quotes about the game of baseball.

10. I'm convinced that every boy, in his heart, would rather steal second base than an automobile. ~Tom Clark
9. A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart
8. There are three things in my life which I really love: God, my family, and baseball. The only problem - once baseball season starts, I change the order around a bit. ~Al Gallagher, 1971
7. Trying to sneak a pitch past Hank Aaron is like trying to sneak a sunrise past a rooster. ~Attributed to both Joe Adcock and Curt Simmons
6. I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it. ~Rogers Hornsby
5. Back then, my idol was Bugs Bunny, because I saw a cartoon of him playing ball - you know, the one where he plays every position himself with nobody else on the field but him? Now that I think of it, Bugs is still my idol. You have to love a ballplayer like that. ~Nomar Garciaparra
4. I don't care how long you've been around, you'll never see it all. ~Bob Lemon, 1977
3. Why does everybody stand up and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" when they're already there? ~Larry Anderson
2. I became a good pitcher when I stopped trying to make them miss the ball and started trying to make them hit it. ~Sandy Koufax
1. Putting lights in Wrigley Field is like putting aluminum siding on the Sistine Chapel. ~Roger Simon, 1988

My point: I love this game.

Would you rather...

Would you rather wear cheap shoes or have a bad haircut for the rest of your life?

I know this might sound crazy, but I would take the bad haircut. I have gotten to a point where I really don't care about how my hair looks anymore. Sure I love my hair, but cheap shoes just aren't going to cut it. Did I mention I love my hair? I don't care if I look bad. I just don't want my feet to hurt.

You can get cute cheap shoes, but they are cheap. Cheap usually equals uncomfortable.

My point: My feet need all the help they can get.

Where did he go?

My 3 year old nephew Caleb is in the first year of T-ball and learning to potty train, but not at the same time.

At his age, each child has a parent on the t-ball field to help them throw, hit, run, catch, and teach them the game.

Last week a little boy on his team was on third base when, Caleb put a ball in play. The parent on third base starts encouraging his son to run home.

Next thing you know the kid runs into the stands. "Mom...mom.... hurry.... hurry... dad said we have to go home. I don't know why, but he kept saying it.

My point: I hope my child listens to me this well.

what's going on?

I wrote a post for today and tomorrow and they disappeared. Dang it. I'll try to recreate the magic.

My point: I hate April Fool's Day