What to do?

We are born with an innate moral code that teaches us not to lie.  Here's the rub: My old pastor pulled me aside one Sunday morning, "What do you think of this sweater?"

This sweater looked like it belonged to Uncle Phil from the Fresh Prince of Belair.  It was about 3 sizes to big, filled with bright colors, and completed with an abstract pattern.

What I wanted to say, "Well its not really your best look."  

What I really said, "Did you steal that from Bill Cosby?"

His reply, "Thanks for the compliment."

My point: Christmas sweaters still have their place.  

Car Alarms

What do car alarms actually prevent?  Have you ever seen someone run out of their house when they hear a car alarm?  NO! You always hear, "Will someone turn that alarm off, I'm trying to sleep."

Do these alarms actually deter thieves?  My guess, it only encourages them.

My point: Get away from my car!!!

I can't believe

I woke up at 6:30 this morning and started watching housing shows on A&E.  Why would I do that to myself?  I'm watching this show called Flip this House: Los Angeles and the guy flipping the houses is a total jerk.  He's yelling at all of his workers and disrespects his best friend.  At least he has a Mercedes. 

We can't even afford one house and here is this guy figuring out how to rip people off.  When are we going to have enough money to rip someone off?

My point:  This should be called You Flipped me Off. 

Is it your birthday?

Here are 10 excuses to use if you miss a special someone's birthday.

10.  I didn't want to call until my gift arrived. 

9.  Oh man, that trip to Europe really threw off my schedule.

8.  I thought we weren't celebrating your birthday anymore.

7.  I didn't forget your birthday, I sent you a stripper gram.  What!?! They never showed up??

6.  I didn't miss your birthday... I gave them up for lent.  I'm sorry I didn't tell you.

5.  Happy birthday!!! What your birthday was yesterday?  Really?  I thought today was Monday.

4.  I'm so glad I finally caught you.  Verizon turned my phone off.

3.  This is really embarrassing to admit, but I'm jealous of you.  I wanted it to be my birthday, so selfishly I didn't call.

2.  I became a Jehovah Witness and its against our religion to celebrate birthdays.

1.  I didn't call because I was so ashamed I couldn't buy you a nice gift.

What do you do?

I'm biking to work last week and I come flying around a corner only to be accosted by an endangered species taking up the middle of the trail.  What the heck was it doing in the trail?  

You might ask, "What was this ferocious animal?"  It was the grouse.... grrrrr.  OOOOH you're going to have nightmares tonight.  To be more specific it was the sage grouse (Basically its a pigeon that lives in Colorado.)

The really bad news: the grouse mate for life.  OOOPS!!!

Does anyone know the punishment for accidentally killing an endangered species with your bicycle?

My point:  They wouldn't be endangered if they stayed out of my way.

Let me complain

Have you ever heard of a dishwasher that makes your dishes DIRTIER rather than CLEANER? We have it. It is one of those fancy drawer numbers, complete with an upper and lower drawer, for your nights of entertaining large and fancy parties. Well, it sucks. You have to rinse the dishes before putting them in, no big deal, right? Don't even think about letting a tomato seed or the film of some yogurt slip by you. It'll pop right back out and be all, "HELLO! You ate me two days ago and here I still am chillin in this green bowl." Grrrrr, I think. I'll try new detergent!? Sorry. I'll use some jet dry! No where to put it in this fancy deal. All our glasses look like they've been handled by a class full of 3rd graders.

My point: Nothing like entertaining your guests with a house full of dirty dishes.

Amish Friendship Bread

Has anyone else ever received Amish Friendship Bread? In case you don't know, its a type of bread or cake made from a simple dough starter. So what's the deal? Someone will give you a starter kit, which after 10 days you'll divide into 4 starter kits. Now here's the catch: from these 4 kits you'll make one cake for yourself and then you give the other three away, so you're friends can go through the same process. Now you're catching on. Its the original chain letter. The Amish figured out a way turn the whole world into an Amish community with a simple cake.

My point: The Amish need to figure out how to send a real chain letter.

Why?

Recently, we watched Benjamin Button. I liked it, but I have one problem. Brad Pitt started off as an old man in a baby's body. So why did he die as a baby? It seems like he was getting stronger and healthier every year he lived. I just don't understand why his life stopped at 3 months old. Why not keep getting younger and younger?

I think we should have seen Benjamin Button become and embryo. It doesn't make sense to die as a baby if he started off as an old man. One problem: I'm not sure where the madness stops. Can we go past embryo? Are following me here people?

My point: My father did not include any of this in his sex talk.

Top 10 reasons I love my family

I have a great family and here are 10 reasons why I love them.

10. They love me just the way I am.
9. My mother taught me how to be spontaneous.
8. My sisters taught me how to love my wife.
7. My brother showed me how to be a good husband and father.
6. My mother is a huge Atlanta Braves fan.
5. My siblings are the funniest people in the world.
4. My father played football for the University of Georgia.
3. I'm the youngest sibling, which means I got to learn from their mistakes.
2. No one in my family has a problem embarrassing me in public.
1. They're stuck with me.

My point: I still love my family, even though they told me I was adopted.

What do you do?

We live in the middle of nowhere. The wireless internet on my Mac Book is on the fritz. The closest Apple Store is 7 hours away in Denver. (BTW: I am writing this on my computer during a short window of my internet working.) Where is the Genius Bar when I need it? Doesn't seem so genius now does it? Is my Apple Care even worth it, if they can't care for my Apple?

My point: No one looks like a genius now.

Aka

"Did you cut your own hair?" aka You've got a bad hair cut.

"Did you pick that out yourself?" aka I can't believe she wore that.

"You haven't changed a bit." aka I still don't forgive you from the 8th grade.

"Did you make this yourself? " aka This is my gift you freaking cheapskate?

My point: aka Don't use a Flowbee to cut your hair.

So you think you can dance

I admit it. I'm an undercover So You Think You Can Dance fan. I watch it!!! I know some of the people's names. I critique the dances. I don't know even know how to dance. What happened to me? This isn't baseball !?! What am I doing?

My point: At least this show not called So You Think You Can Get Into My Pants.

UP?

I finally made it to see the animated feature film UP. Yes, I know the film came out awhile ago.

I am not going to drop a plot spoiler, but it was the saddest cartoon I've ever seen. We've all cried our eyes out during Steel Magnolias, but this was Julia Roberts (from Georgia). This makes sense.

Therefore, I shouldn't be crying in a land of cartoon fiction. I never cried in The Hunchback of Notre Dame or when Simba's father is killed in The Lion King. Cartoons are meant to make us laugh, not cry. I don't want to experience these emotions at a children's movie.

My point: I was doing the lip tremble the whole movie.

Top 10 World Records

Here are the top 10 world records I would like to set.

10. World's prettiest feet (This will be the hardest one for me to achieve.)
9. Made the most people laugh during a lifetime.
8. Solved the most unsolved mysteries.
7. Located the most missing children.
6. Least days being sick in a lifetime.
5. Most years wearing one pair of flip flops.
4. Most successful Fantasy Football player ever.
3. Most days snowboarding in a lifetime.
2. Most days avoiding an argument with my wife.
1. Most paid vacation days.

My point: I have the ugliest feet you have ever seen.

Strange Dreams?

What is the strangest dream you've had lately?

There might be a prize if you can explain this one. In my dream, I sneeze and the biggest booger I've ever seen comes flying out of my nose. How big you ask. Well it was definitely bigger than a dinner plate. (How did thing that even get in there?) I am estactic as soon as I see the booger because I know its the biggest in the world. Immediately, I grab the phone to get the Guinness Book of World Records on the phone. This could be the highlight of my life. Unfortunately, I wake up at this point.

My point: I'll show that guy with the longest fingernails.

Are we?

Its been a couple years, but are we still looking for Carmen Sandiego? If so, I owe everyone a big apology. I have not looked for since 8th grade. I cringe at saying this, but I haven't even bothered to think about her.

In my defense, its not like she's on the cover of US Weekly or in People Magazine. I hear more about Bat Boy. Shoot, he even had his own Broadway Musical.

My point: I'm going to look for Waldo.

If?

Let's say for instance... your friend has chronic bad breath. How do you deal with this problem? Personally, I like to pull the old, "I'm having a piece of gum, do want one?" I also like to leave breath mints laying in the car seat or kitchen table.

Now let's consider this: You're friend has an awful hair cut. Do leave scissors laying around? Do you invite them to meet your hairdresser or barber? Do show them pictures of haircuts you like?

My point: Cut that dirty rats nest off your head.

Suckle up Bronco!!!

My sister recently gave birth to another little boy. Thankfully, our older nephew has been really sweet to his new little brother. He even went as far to name him after a character from the Backyardigans. Even though he is only three years old, he always asks to hold the baby. He even wants to feed him with his boobies. My sister has tried to convince him that there is nothing in his boobs. Not to be deterred, he hopped up on the arm of the lazy boy as my sister was feeding the Backyardigan and said, " I will just help you squeeze your boobs to feed him." He quickly grabbed her boob and gave it a jiggle to encourage the baby to suckle. Lucky for her, she was able to persuade him to leave with a little chocolate.

My point: I hope my child likes chocolate.

10 things I hate to be called

For some reason there are certain names I hate to be called. Please don't call me these 10 names.

10. Boss... "Hey Boss can you bring me another beer?" I am not your boss I am your server.
9. Pal... P.A.L. stands for Personal Something Licker. I'll let you fill in the blank.
8. Chief... At what point did I become Native American?
7. Buddy... You call someone buddy when you can't remember their name.
6. Willie... my first name is William.
5. Ange... I don't need a nickname for my name that is already a nickname.
4. Bucko... I don't own a Red Ryder BB Gun anymore.
3. Buster... Really?!?
2. Little Fella... I wish I was a little taller... I wish a baller....I wish I had a girl I would call her.
1. A Texan... I'm from the South the real south. Texas was a part of Mexico during the Civil War. Just because they have imitation Southern Accents that does not make them Southerners.

My point: Read my freaking name tag!!! That's why its sewn to my shirt.

What's for dinner?

The daily question... "what's for dinner?" Unfortunately, we have developed a weekly rotation. It's something like this: Italian- spaghetti (or lasagna if we're lucky), Mexican- fajitas, burritos, quesadillas (same ingredients, different placement), Grilled chicken- either with veggies on the side or in a sandwich. We eat at least one sandwich every day.

Now life just threw us a curve ball: the crock pot. We got it as a wedding gift, but we're not real sure what to do with it. It says we can make anything with it and now I am going to put it to the test. I'm pretty sure I can just dump whatever I want in there, let it roll all day, and then have a delicious dinner.

One small problem: it's still in the box.

My point: I really like beef jerky and Reeses Pieces. I want the Crock Pot to make these.

Why is it wrong?

I hate cereal and you know how I feel about oatmeal. I have never been a huge fan of the most important meal of the day. I know lots of people get excited about breakfast for dinner, but I just see this as a waste of my time. I don't want eggs, bacon, and pancakes any time of day. So why would I want them for dinner?

Where is dinner for breakfast? As the saying goes, "Breakfast is the most important meal of the day." Well let's start it off right. I'm talking about a 8oz fillet mignon, sweet potatoes, and corn on the cob. Then top it off with homemade apple pie a la mode.

My point: Let's give the most important meal of the day the respect it deserves and serve it with Coca Cola.

Last Week...

Last week we watched See No Evil, Hear No Evil... which was great. How can you go wrong with Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder? If you can't find a good movie on Netflix, I suggest this great classic from the 80's- play instantly... YEAH!

Usually, I would write a movie review. This time I want to ask a question of my audience. Kevin Spacey is in this film and he plays a bad guy with an English accent. This is all fine and well, but what is that thing on the side of his face? He has this huge cyst that I have never seen in another movie and it doesn't look like movie magic to me.

My point: Here's a quarter. Go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face!

Just once

Just once I would love to see/ hear Kanye West come on stage and start shouting "puts your hands down... put your hands down." Followed with, "I am just okay. I'm not really that great. I don't understand the hype."

Why is Kanye so arrogant? He is good, but calling yourself the greatest doesn't make it true.

Finally, what was that whole song Jesus Walks about? Is it actually about Jesus Christ? Or is it another example of Kanye puffing up his own chest.

My point: Let's hear more raps about humility.